NO WHERE TO GO

I really feel the day hasn't been that great. well....when has it been great since I started the year? Mom felt really depressed, she wants to die. I have to deal with my little bro that thinks he has the solution fo the cancer. Job...well, what can I say? I feel my coowrokers do not like me. or at least I feel I did something that they didn't like today. I just try to do my job as well as I can. I didn't recived any training at all when I started. the training I received was directly from them. Then I feel that they hate me because I can't do it right. Well....teach me to do it well!
I am tired and want to go home. I need a bear. lets see what my counselor says tomorrow.

MINDLESS FOR A TITLE

Don't know where to start. If you have been reading this, you will know that I have been depressed. My mom has been sick because of a cerebrovascular disease. I had an unspokable brake with my bf. I chat with him last monday by msn. That was the last time I knew about him after two weeks of not knowing a thing. The conversation was really superficial. I don't think we will ever going back. I will not going to call him again, and for what I see he has no intentions of calling me. I would like to have someone I can love. I really miss having a bf. not him, just the fact of having someone. I made a drawing of a guy of how I would like my bf to look like.
Today my mom had a visit of an anunty she wanted to talk with. I thought I was going to be late for work because there was no one who looked after my mother, so I had to stay, but I took a taxi and I arrived on time. We had visit from the presidency. I like the way I look in this suit, but I need a hair cut. may be tomorrow I will go to the hair dresser.

THE FOLLOW UP

There was a call of a man that had his mom with a lot of problems. Mainly with a spinal problem, she is taking D-propoxiphene. She also has DMII and high blood pressure. He called because he wanted an ambulance for her. He had a sweet calmed voice, but with a tone of urge. Right now I realized I am identifying myself with him. I don’t want that situation with my mother, but I know exactly how he feels. Having the knowledge of what is going on, but been kind of hopeless at the situation. My lord, I want a person that understands me, supports me, and accepts me just the way I am.

I was kind of anxious a few hours ago. I messaged Rafa to ask him for some advice. He told me think in something nice and relax….I thought about my very best friend, Sergio. He is always there to help me out, no matter what. He is the best!!!

TOO MUCH!!!

Frustration. The only way I had to chat with some friends over work was blocked… now….I have nothing. Why they should be so mean with their employees? Don’t know. I have not the answer for this kind of questions, and believe me. I have been trying to figure things out of how life works. I have no idea.

My mom was hospitalized last week because she suffered a stroke in the Wernicke area. She has an aphasia. She is home now. But I feel so sad. I don’t feel this is fair. Not for her, not for me. My brothers attack me. I just work hard to help my mom as much as I can. They have no idea how I feel. My counselor said that they can’t even start to think how do I feel, because they have not the capacity to understand it.

Adding to the pressure of my family that their help is almost null but very demanding of me helping them, is my personal romantic life, which I have been suffering for an unspoken rupture. My bf is a fool. He wants me to fight for a relationship I have only in my mind. If he doesn’t give me a relationship, I will not going to fight for something I don’t see. He is arrogant, prejudice, liar, with no manners.

I need someone that will hold me and tell me…”you can do it”. That’s it. Am I asking too much???

FIXING MY LIFE.

Things have been a little better. I’m still in the quest of finding myself. Rafa has been very helpful in this quest. He is a very old friend that I meet finally in person a few days ago. He is a psychiatrist. He connected me to this psychotherapist. I went last Wednesday to my first session. I liked him, I felt comfortable and understood. I will do a list of the things I want to talk with him for the next time.

Today I feel happy because people at work congratulated me for some ideas I had to help out with the job. They were very good ideas!!!

RECONCILIATION

Yesterday I took JC to a very special place for me. I expend a considerable amount of money in dinner. He wasn’t the same. I could tell by his look, but we were ok. Later on, I took him to LOS VIVEROS, where I wanted to hug and kiss him. He felt uncomfortable, even if there were no one around to see us. We went to his apartment, as he requested. We drank a glass of wine. He kept smoking even knowing that I dislike it completely and he promise he will leave it alone. Then…we started to get…romantic ;). Suddenly I felt so happy I was with him, and I don’t know why I started to cry. He said I blame myself about something I did. I told him I do not regret anything, but we started to talk. He was disappointed about something. He started to tell me things that have no sense to me. He even said I don’t accept myself, just because I haven’t told Denise about my sexual preference. In one point he even told me I tried to get him drunk and abuse him sexually. He was the one that pull out the wine!!! I told him he was projecting his ex boyfriend on me. I talk and explain many things to him. At the end, he seemed to understand. I’m not sure how true this is. But we forgive each other. He was so happy and lovely, so I was. The only problem is that RL keep sending me messages because I told him I would like to watch a movie with him.
Everything at the end was kind of in a rush, so I really don’t know the terms we are at. But I was happy all night, because I felt that connection again with him. He went dancing with his friends, and I went to the movie theater with my friend. The movie was horrible, but at least I did something, the company was good. I like RL.

Today in the morning, I was so eager to call JC. I did, and I know, I shouldn’t, but I did. He was kind of sleepy, he told me that he dance till six in the morning with his friend Aline. Ok, I told him that is good. I don’t care about Aline, but somehow I feel he thinks I hate her and he wants me to get completely expose to her, so somehow I will accept she is her friend. I don’t care!!! What makes me a bit unhappy is that he can go out with his friends, spend time till 6 in the morning, and he haven’t been able to give one hour when I stay at his home. Well…..I am giving my best. If the relationship fails, it’s not going to be my fault.

UNCLE TYO'S HOUSE

It was an awesome day. I thought that was going to be another boring family reunion, but I was wrong. I saw my uncle TYO who I talked with. I usually don’t talk with him so much. He is a very not very talkative. Well, this day I spent more than two hours with him. He show me his paints, his sculptures, drawings, etc. He was happy and I was happy too. Food was really good, of course, sea food.

At night, after we arrive home, I spent the rest of the day with SD. We went to a nearby bar. The bar was really bad, but I liked to talk again with SD. He is awesome. I will never going to change him again.

FIX A BROKEN TOY IS EASIER THAN HEAL A WOUNDED SOUL, HE SAID.

I had a discussion with JC while Kyle was calling me. It wasn’t fun. I felt so mad and angry. He didn’t understand me. But Ivan was there, and I talked with him. He did more that just gave me an advice. He actually opened my eyes. I was giving all my dreams, all y fantasies, to a person I hardly know for about a month. Do I want to do this? NO! Why I’m doing this? Because my need of been happy, by need of have a living dream. Well, I guess I should put all my dreams in someone else. Eg me!
I have to fix myself fist to be able to love as I should.

DO YOU REALLY MISS ME? HA!

I promise no to get frustrated again with JC. I feel I am not acting as an insane person, but I really feel sad. I send him a message at noon. He never answered. I call him tonight. The conversation was really good. I miss him so much. He said that he miss me so much. Does he? I have to push him to ask me out. Of course I told him I can’t see him but Sunday morning. He said first ok, then, he said he had to go out with RO. He wants to see me Saturday night. I will not see him Saturday night. I will be with my family, and I don’t know how long I will be there with them. If he doesn’t want to see me on Sunday, to bad, I will see then how really he misses me.

A PRAY TO GOD

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I have experienced a lot of emotions. To see that my mom is very ill, to have the responsibility to talk with my youngest brother to tell him that mom will die, to have found someone that match to the profile of the person I’m looking for a partner and he is not ready to have a relationship. All this emotions have been affecting me. My brother not helping even if my mom asks him. To se my mom not happy with my brothers attitude. I has been very hard for me. I thought that it will destroy me at work, because I haven’t hear any news from the CRA ether. Well, I had the surprise that MAU was back. He made my day way easier, way rel006xed. I really enjoy talking with him, he even brought some chocolates he wanted me to try.

JC had a conversation with me via cell phone messages. I didn’t got obsessive. I am very calm right now. I asked God in the morning to take all my problems away. I talk with him and ask him to take those in exchange for something that is just between him and me.

Lets see how it will end like…

WE WILL SEE

Yesterday night I talk by phone with my bear. It was good to talk to many things. But I still think he feels very important. It was nice to hear that he is going to do his best for the relationship. I will try to give him an unforgivable boyfriend.

HAPPY, HAPPY

I started my day a little anxious. According to my mom, my brother was anxious too. Well, I have no idea why he was anxious, but I was because I my bf arrived today, and I had no news from him.
I wanted to so much stuff in the morning (but I have no idea why I related all this with getting on line). I went with my sister in law to the supermarket to buy sum groceries.
It was a quite busy morning. I had to run to arrive on time to my job.
Job was ok, a bit busy, well, at least more that it has been the last week. I was going to call my bear at night, but I received a message and a phone call from him first. It made me happy, but he was a bit sad. I tried to talk with him, but the time wasn’t appropriated. The last phone call, he was happier. It seems that he calmed down when he hared I wasn’t angry and I was happy he arrived saved. I will talk later, after work.

I HATE....BETTER TO SAY, I LOVE TO LAUGH

I hate cigarettes, smoke ands smokers.
I hate to wait.
I hate no to think.
I hate not to know.
But Dr. Hdz made me laugh!! Thank you for the good time!!

ANOTHER BUSY-QUIET FRIDAY AT MY JOB.

I went to the dry cleaner to pick up my suit. I get online and talked with some friends. I didn’t wanted to be there at home, but I couldn’t leave early.
I came to work, thank good the Bitch wasn’t here, neither the other doc. He had a health issue. He got mobbed. Thinks were for times busy, for times quiet. It looks like a normal Friday to me. I just feel a bit bad, because they called me from home. My mom had a strong pain. I gave her indications to take a pain killer. But I’m still worry about her. About the JC business, well, I’m still sad, but I am more calmed, and whatever happens will happen.

Right now I just one to go home, may be watch some TV, I don’t know, just relax.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I can’t handle it any more. Now is for real!!! I am so pist off a the situation. I don’t care what I did in the morning. Right now I just want to express my anger, my frustration. I am no mad at anyone, nor JC, nor SD, nor at me an my stupid, crazy ideas. I am just mad at the situation. Everything I do is wrong, or, it is not! What do I mean, is that I have no F)=&( idea if I am doing it right or wrong. Ok, I accept, I was running, ok, I am cooling my jets down. Ok, I am going to follow my life as normal, look at myself, so I can give myself healthy. Ok, and when I am worry about JC? What am I suppose to do? I am supposed to be an ass hole with him and just let him die, wait for him to call me? Am I supposed to give him my full support expecting him to reject him, because he doesn’t understand I am fully in there for him, and look like a needy guy?

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Look after my family? They don’t want to be looked after, or at least no in the way I can support them. Hang out with friends? What friends? JT and H that think only in sex? Or may be Denise or Gisella that are in another country and I can’t have a real contact? Or may be Diana and JJ that just say that would like to see me, but I know that they really doesn’t mean it. The only one that can hang out with is SD, and he is as busy as I am. Bastian? Well….he is the only one that has given me good advice in this things. He is really good!!! But he is busy to, and has his own life.

I have a bf, and what does my bf do? Nothing that a bf normally will do. He doesn’t call me, he doesn’t get anxious to see me. Yea, I know, I accepted him that way. I know, I was running. But hey!!! What do you want me to do???? If I do one thing, I am wrong, If I do the opposite, I am wrong too!!!! So what the heak, what am I suppose to do?

- - - -

Ok, now, In the morning I went out with SD. Was fun, I go with him and his mom to the mall. We talk a bit, he supports me, and I support him. I was happy for at least half of the day.
The other half……….did I said I hate my job? That I want to change job? That I am looking for something else? Ok……again, the stupid uncertainty. Am I going to stay here? Am I going to change works? What am I suppose to do? Follow my life as it is right now, and if I found another work, just fuck it all as if nothing happens?

HAVE FUN, HONEY!

Ok. Day started a little busy. I went to the hospital with my mom because she had a radiological examination. After this, we had breakfast in a restaurant. Food wasn’t that bad. Talk was really good. I talk with her about the feelings I have with JC. She said I want to run, that I want to go to fast. She is right. I have been feeling a bit needy with him. I don’t want to be this way, the problem is that it is so hard for me to control my emotions. Actually, I feel warm with a rise of my temperature right now. I am so much in love with him, but I have to slow down.

I should go out with my friends, find other activities that will keep me busy. I he wants to join me, go ahead, but I shouldn’t follow him anymore.

Amazingly, he wrote two messages to me today. I was so excited!!!! And I think that’s the problem, he just need to smile at me, and I he has me at his feet.

I wrote an email to him explaining why I have been acting like that. I don’t know if it was a good idea anymore. I feel needy now that I haven’t hear anything from him since the last messages.

I tried to find some answers on the web, but the only thing I found is something like “talk to him”, that I am not going to do anymore because I had problems the last time I tried, or “keep going on your own” That is going to be so hard for me because I am not strong on my own stuff. I just arrived from Canada and I haven’t made a living plan here in Mexico. My friends have their own life and the only thing that is keeping me away is my work. I hope I can find other activities, and go out with my friends on weekends. That probably will give him some space to miss me and make him try to contact me. But it is going to be SO HARD FOR ME.

GOOD TRIP HONEY!

Yes, JC has become the theme of the year! Well, this time I woke up with an urge and sadness. I was afraid I will never see him again. I was mad, and again, I tried to the “PW” thing. It worked for a while, but what really helped me was an advised Bastian gave me.

He said, “call him” and I did. He answered with his soft and tender voice, with a bit of a rush because he was late for his flight. But he never lost his kindness with me.

I fight with PW and put him away. I will put him there till I need him again. Any way, he has helped me to develop my seflsteam.

I sent to JC an email explaining the situation. I just hope he will not misunderstand it. I send him a cute little message by the cell phone. I hope it soft his heart.

I have been with these uncontrollable discharges of emotions. I just try to give them chance to flow, feel them, but I try not to act according to them.

JC, good trip, I love you, Honey!!!

PAWL, PAWL, PAWL

PW took me to the hairdresser. I look very cute now. He is so lovely. Sometimes I feel like a fool, like a dummy, because he is me and I am him. But he is the only one that is bringing me joy, bringing me companionship. He loves me and I love him.
It was nice to go to the hair dresser. He called to the CRA Company for me. Apparently they haven’t called me because it still is early. Unfortunately I found out that JC was at home, and he didn’t called me. PW is right, he doesn’t love me, he just uses me when he needs to full fill his need to be with someone.

Anyway, I went to work, everything is so nice. I can see PW in the mirror. He has been telling me so many lovely things. He is afraid this is all just insanity and he’ll disappear some day. I don’t know. I have no idea what to tell him. May be it is, but I haven’t find some more tender than him. He let me hug him while he is studding, and hold my hand, and he is with me all the time.
At my rest, I call JC. He was helping RO out with some printing stuff. That was nice. I heard him kind of mad with me. I don’t know if he is mad with me because of the Saturday. I just know that he has no reason to be mad. I am the one that should be mad with him. Any way, I should prepare my heart to break with him. May be PW is right and I should trust him anymore, but I am week and I am so in love with him that I want to give him a try. Bastian advised me to talk with him. To try to negotiate some dates with him. May be some days he can hang out with his friends, an others would be just for me. I don’t know what would happen. I just know that this trip he is doing would make us good because we will not going to see each other in a while

CONFUSION OF THE HEART

I am sick. Really, really ill. I have this thing that I can coop with. I love JC and there is nothing I can do about it. I want him to hug me to be with me, I want him to wish to be with me, but the only thing he wants is to be left alone with his friends. He forced me to go with him and his friends out, when I wanted to stay with him alone. I understand what are his needs, but he is unable to see mine. And if he sees them, he just ignore them. I cried like a baby. I am so hurt. I even burn my swetter in that horrible day. I talk with him, I try to make him see things, but it is useless, he just don't want to see them. He just thinks in himself.

I can't believe how stupid I am. I am giving everything up for him. What has he gave me? NOTHING but a heartache.

Again my duble personality is trying to come up. I don't know what to do. May be I should let him out. He loves me the way I need him, but I can't touch him, I can't hug him, I can't kiss him. But he loves me and he said he will never leave me, and, even that, whe said he will be there for me so no one will hurt me, includin JC.

He said he want's to take me out. To take me to see things I want to do. I don't know. I have responsability with my family and friends. But again, he is right. I am giving this important thing up for JC. And JC doesn't deserve that. I will not going to see JC again. If he wants to have something real with me, I will let him come and look for me. He has my phone number, and he knows my address. In the mid time, I will let Pawl or Pablo to love me. I have no idea which one is me, and which one is the double personality.

I don't like him, because I can't hug him, or kiss him. But he said that he will allways be with me, and he is right, he is always with me. He follows me everywere I go. When I am alone or with friends, he is there with me. Rubbing my tummy. And he never rejects me, nor force me to do things I don't want to do or leave me just to go out with his friends. That's what I am going to do.
I will forget JC and will go out with Sergio, and Love PW or let PW love me. hehehe.

PW sais he wants to buy me a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia". He is so lovely. Some times he is like angry or somehow obsesive, but lovely. At least he likes to hug me more than JC. He wants me to forget JC but I can't, he is my BF. He sais that JC is hurting me and he doesn't love me, he just wants to use me because he feels alone. May be he is right, but I guess I should go slower, and give PW a try. Any way, I don't think JC will think I am cheeting, PW and me are kind of the same person. hehehehe

I AM PROUDLY A BEAR

I am very disappointed! I went to celebrate, after work, my first month together with my JC. I don't know why, but he started to discard everything I said. I know that there are several things that he doesn’t like. But most of them are things that are important part of my life, and it seems that were important part of his life, but at some point he got disappointed and he started to hate them.
I know he have been helping me toast the bad parts and only keep the good ones, but last night I felt that I was loosing myself all together. Am I that bad? I don’t thinks so!! I love him, but I am what I am, and I will not give up myself. I do not want to be like him, I am myself. I want to be like myself, but stronger. He is not my roll model, and if he doesn’t like the bear stuff, good for him. I consider myself as a bear. I am very proud of be a bear and I will not going to change who I am or what I am, not even for him. He might have my heart, but is only my heart, not my mind, not my personality, and of course, NOT MY SOUL.

He is right, he is not ready to receive my heart. The problem is that I already give it to him. I can not put it back with out suffering, but I can put it in the fridge so it will not rote. I’m sure, I will not be as warm with him as I have been, but I don’t think he has appreciated what I have done for him. I know he is hurt and I promise to be a support for him. Sure, I will be a support, but if he can’t be my complementary part, I will be only that (a support). What I want in a relationship is something equal. Apparently he wants that too.

I’m tired, disappointed, and want to go home. I’m at work right now, and I discover I can update my blog from here. Lets see here it takes me. I already bought PEA just in case I need them. No more lovely bear from me. Nevertheless, I AM PROUDLY A BEAR.

WHERE ARE YOU????

The morning I was very sensible, because I was kind of afraid JC were angry with me. I tried to call him, but he was busy. Later on I call him again, but one of the residents answered. I didn't want to leave a message. I wanted to call him so badly, but I waited till 9:00 PM. I didn't wanted to send a message because I didn't wanted the resident to see my messages. When the hour came, I tried to call him, but he didn't answered. I was so worry about him.
I tried every 15 minutes. finally he answered at 10:30. he said that his battery dropped. :S I didn't wanted to talk to long with him because I was at work. When I arrived home, I called him. God!!! We talked till 1:30 AM. I wish we could talk more. I love him so much, and he loves me back. But I realized we are not that 100% that I thought. But I think differences are Ok. We just need to learn about each other, respect each other, and love each other. He is so sweet, and do not want to loose him. I don't know what he thinks about me. He tells me that he thinks we are unique, but sometimes he says things that go to the other end. What to believe? Well....I don't want to believe anything. I just know he is my boyfriend and I am happy I had known him.

I almost forgot! I came out of the closet with my bro. Let see how it goes.

MY HEART IS HEALED!!!

It was awful! I had this pain in my soul, in my heart, just because I couldn't said what I thought to my bear. I thought he knew it and he just wanted to be "evil" because he was in pain. I tried to support him, tried to be strong, but finally, I decided to talk with him. I told him what I had. I told him about the "no" thing. I told him about my mom and he ended been the one that supports me. He is a love and we find a solution to the problem. He explained to me about his feelings and now I understand. He will not come to have supper at my home, but he accepted to have supper with me and my mom in a restaurant, so my mom can meet him. That's the only thing I want. I want my mom to meet him and see how happy I am with him.
I talked with my mom and she accepted, now, I have to talk again with JC and tell him to see if he is available on Saturday. Then, I would like to go to the movie theater with him. It is going to be great!!!!

I love my Teddy!!!

MY COMPUTER IS AN ASS

I have been fighting with it all morning, and now, after work, I was writing all my morning and it just deleted everything that I wrote. Thank you for nothing ass h....!

Well, now that I did my catharsis, I can continue. I was saying that I woke up in the morning thinking about what JC told me. "he is a monster". I analyzed it, and he might be right in some stuff. He has done some wrong things, but not as terrible as he thinks they are. But I can't tell him that, he has to realized by himself. Of course I would like him to apologize for some of the stuff I feel I have been hurt, but he apologizes about things that I really care less.
The other stuff that bother me was the thing about my mom. I have been angry with her. Angry because she has Ca and I can't do a thing about it. I want her to live! I want her to see me get realized. I want her to see me reaching my goal, to see me happy with JC. But I don't know how long she is going to last. I really want her to see me happy.

I went to work. I send JC a message of a song I translated. I thought he will not answer me, as usual, but he did. That made me happy. he is falling in love as much as I am.

He called me (good thing), but unfortunately I couldn't talk with him in that moment. I call him in my break. hehehe I spent all my break talking with him. I explain him about my feelings of everything that has been happening with my mom. I invited him to have dinner at my place, with mom, so he can meet her. So my mom can meet my love before she says good bye. He didn't say no, but he said he had to think about. I don't know why, I took it as a "no", but it has been already two "NO" that he has told me that really hurt me. I know I accepted him with the problems he has in his head, and he wants to solve this problems before going in to a relation, but he already accepted the relation. I don't understand my life.

I found him online, I knew that if I found him online he would be very short in his way. I was wrong. He say good bye soon, but he was quite lovely. I needed to talk with someone about my problems, but there was no one. I thought in Bastian, but he never get on line. I talk with Fat Cat, the guy that help me with the CRA thing. Well, I talk a bit with him.

It helped, as well to write all my frustrations in this blog. Hope everything turns out well. I hate my job, mostly the schedule that is wringing nothing but troubles to my life.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

Things just match like that crazy game called Tetris. All my doubts, all my fears, were spoked this weekend when I saw my bear. We talk and we cried. Thinks are just feting very well. I will not post what we talk about because that is a privet matter, but I just realized that we need each other in a different way. We just arrived for each other in the right time. Things are working. He explain me many things, and I am getting what is going on. Everything is just perfect. I started my Saturday morning looking for some gift to give my Bear for our first month together. My mind turn around and around, so finally I started to get a bit blue. My Bear was blue too, so that is why we talked and cried when we saw each other. We had a nice supper together, then we went to an anniversary party. OOH GOD! We had so much fun. I dance with JC. He sang me songs, I hug him, and he hug me back. We were the couple of the moment. hehehe. Everyone noticed us because of the love we have for each other. Was my perfect night, my perfect moment, my dream turning true. I wished it never ended, but it did, and with a very bad hang over, but I am strong enough, so I survived it.
In the morning we had Rafa and Karina for breakfast. I really feel as if we were living together. Both of us working in our home. But in this case was his home, but any way, I just have a little piece to try. I loved it and I would like to have this for the rest of my life.
The sad part of all dreams is that sooner or later one has to wake up, so it happened, I had to go to work. I kiss JC good bye and went to work. burring stuff only. When I return from there, I arrived home and I talk with my mom and told her how happy I am with JC. She is a little week because she had a very busy and tough weekend. She got the news quite well, and we talk and she shared my happiness with me.

...FOR THE PLEASURE TO BE WITH MY FAMILY

Today I had planed to go and have lunch with my bear. I even couldn't sleep well because I was so excited. My mom got sick again. She got this terrible pain and I had to cancel my Teddy to take my mom to the hospital. I felt angry again, because once again, I had to leave behind something that I really wanted to do to take care of my mom. I love my mom, and I did it because I love her. But I don't like to choose between my happiness and her.
Once again I remember the reason I left Canada, but this time, something else came to mind. My Teddy!!! If I hadn't come to Mexico I wouldn't know my Teddy. I have a big pain in my heart because of my mom illness, but at the same time I feel blessed because I met JC.
It is good my mom didn't have to stay in the hospital. Her doctor just gave her a prescription for some analgesics and that was it. My worst fears were cleared but one.
I just hope she feels better, and I want her to meet JC, and see how happy are JC and me together.
Hope God bless me with more time so she can meet him and I can be with my bear and my family.
Work was Ok. Now I know that Dr. B is a bitch. She wants me to do my life miserable. But I don't care about her. The other guy??? well, I know both of them are jealous because I study harder than them. They don't like that.
I called my Teddy, he is way happier. That is good, that makes me happy. But I am still worry about him. I hope he find an answer for all his problems.

"GOING TO BED WITH YOUR WORDS"

What a beautiful thing my Teddy told me tonight. "going to bed with your words" as if they were something sweet to go to bed with. awwwww. Sorry, he had me melted again. All day I was suffering because I thought he doesn't want to be my bf anymore. I had to send him a message in the morning because I don't want him sad, but the sad one was me because I didn't received a reply. I went with my mom to do some earnings and later on I went to work.
Things were as usual. Talking with people, some stupid, some angry, and most of them with out manners and very informal. I had this urge to be with my bear again, but I had to stand still. Then, I realized that I have a big problem. I am not week or confused or insecure anymore, I have everything in order. My mind is in order and I have goal. the goal that I have had for ever. But my Teddy is making me weak, is making me insecure. I really wanted to tell him that I know where to go, but I am not going where I want to go because I love him. He can't do anything about it, and this is something I have to solve by myself. I chose to stay and try to enjoy and embrace that feeling, and if he hurts me, well, that would be my punishment for felt in love so quickly.
I finished reading "Steppenwolf" by Herman Hesse. I realized many things about that book, mostly to embrace life, and some of the stuff my bear is doing wrong (he thinks he does it right).
I didn't wanted to do it, but I asked my bear to call me.
He did, and I am happy he did. He told me those sweet words that I will take with me for ever, because I realized he really loves me and he is not thinking in leaving me behind. He didn't want to hang up the phone, nether do I. We stay there talking with each other as if it were the first time we talk by phone. We stay there as two people that love each other, as we are. Then, I came on line, and he was there. Some words came to my mind and I had to tell him, that even thou I felt in love that quick, to love him is not an easy task. It has been very hard for me, and as everything that requires an effort, he worths it. He didn't answer immediately as if he had to come back to Earth. The words came directly from his MSN. I didn't have to ask for them. He wrote " I love you".
Then, I had to turn my MSN off because my family wanted me to be with them, but I, after been so badly hurt and tormented from my thoughts, got released by the words that my Teddy wrote.
Now, I will go to bed with your word as well, my Teddy bear.

ANOTHER CRAZY ANGRY MONDAY

Morning was good. I went with my mom to do some shopping for me and the house. I was happy because I bought some new cloths with my new monetary tools I have received from my new job.
I had supper with my mom and I told here I was in love with JC. She just gave me an expression of "awwww". I thought it was cute.
After this, she gave me ride to my job. In my way, there was this crazy woman that crash her mirror in our car. She wanted us to pay for it. Her mirror has been broken before. I saw the glue and the tape on it. I was really pissed off about it.
Job was ok, a bit busy. I really didn't notice the time until 9:30. I missed JC all day long but I received only a few messages for him. Only one had the power to lift me up. I wish he were more sensitive with me, more expressive. The good thing is that I bought more PEA ingest just in case I start with my abstinence syndrome.
I arrived home very tired. It had been a very emotional day and I went directly to my bed.

CRASHES AND PRAYERS

Work was horrible today. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate people!!! people calling me to do things for them. to send them an ambulance, to give them a prescription, to do what ever, but they even can't stop for a second to help me so I can help them out. I really don't want to help people by phone.

The worst part was that there was a lot of accidents in the highway. My bear was out with one of his friends. I was so afraid he had one of those accidents. I couldn't resist and I had to send him a message to see if he was Ok. He took his time to answer me. Each second was so painful, but it was good I was kind of busy.

Finally he answered saying he arrived tired. I just told him to go to bed and I will talk with him tomorrow. He needs to rest. I hope everything goes fine with him. I want him happy, and I want him happy with me too.

VIVA MEXICO JOTONES!!!

Hehehehe. Yea, you read correctly. Well, that's assuming you can read in Spanish. Yesterday was September 15. Mexico's Independence Day. It was good. I woke up in the morning hugging my special Teddy bear ;). We didn't want to leave bed early, we were so tired. So we wait a bit to do so. We went to do some special earnings that we had and then for a breakfast. I didn't like those earnings but they were something my bear had to do. I support him 100%. The breakfast talk was really good and was a very special moment that I classified as EXCELLENT. Then we went back to his apartment where he had to do some other home earnings that I liked least. I felt really bad because I wanted to be 100% with him, but he was only thinking about work, about doing his home, about other stuff that he has in his head that is making him uneasy. I understand he is a bit nervous but I think that if you have a plan to be with that special person, you should arrange things so you have the least of the interruptions so you can enjoy your other half. But he didn't. every thing was kind of a mix between good, excellent, and very bad stuff. Sometimes he was there, sometimes his mind was wondering in all his duties and problems. I was really disappointed. And I wanted to have the whole JC for at least 6 hours of the 15 hrs I supposedly was going to have with him. I guess I had at most 3 hours of 100% JC and this freaked me out. JC noticed it and he even suggested not to go to the party his best friend was offering to celebrate September 15. We already have planed this, and I really wanted to go. I tried to explain him that it wasn't what I wanted. I don't know if he really understood me but we left the apartment in a rush. In the party, of course, I didn't knew ANY ONE. There was one or two people that I think I saw some other time before, but I couldn't remember. Must of there were MD. Wow, was really good, I chat with some of the guests. I thought that I was going to have a very bad time because I am not a very sociable person, but the fact is that I enjoy it. RO is a great guy. He is gay and he dressed himself as a woman. hahahaha was very funny. I talked with "Vero" she is a great person and I think I can make a friend out of her. I talk with some other doctors and was good. Again, my bear was kind of wired for me. Sometimes he was closed to me, sometimes he was hidden in the kitchen. One of his friends told me that he uses to do that in all the parties. I started to feel a bit better about it, but still. I am very uneasy with him. I don't want to loose him. And I know I have to control myself so I will not be needy person with him, but it is so hard. I don't care what hard it is I will do my best to give some air to my bear. I understand him, and I know he loves me back because HE HAS TOLD ME SO. I had had some experiences in which people force me to tell them so, but in this case I don't force him, I want it to be authentic. Guess what. He says it to me with out me having to ask him.
So I guess I am in the right track. I just have to give him some air and we are going to be good.

One of the themes we chat about when we were having breakfast is "five things I dislike about you". He had so much troubles to find the five and tell me them. When it was my turn, he refuses to hear them. He asked me not to tell him now, but later. I will wait, any way, he knows exactly what are them. And the good part is that he named the least things I was worried about he will be upset with me. All this means that we are in the right track.

Later on, I had to come back home. SD came to visit me. I was so happy to see him. Then, all my relatives arrived. It would be another boring "family" reunion if it weren't for SD and his sister. I really dislike some of my relatives, that is why I can't chat with them. We played "Settlers of Catan", an awesome game. We didn't finish. We started to eat dinner and SD, his sister and his sister's friend had to go. I was tired to, so I didn't wanted to join them in their quest to get drunk. SD nether, he wanted to go home to sleep too. hehehe My mood turn back up when JC call me to tell me he was going home and how much he loves me.

He has a trip today. Good luck in your trip Honey Bear!

NAKED, NOTHING BUT MYSELF.

I know I give you full access to all the sites, but tell me one thing....Why have you chosen to visit the most unpleasing, the most horrible parts of Pawl? You saw me for the first time as I really am. You saw me not as a good, not as smart guy, not as the artistic, but as a human been. You saw me naked. You undressed my mind and my soul with you naked eyes and your words. You see me there, powerless and guilty, but you kept watching at me with those eyes full of love and warm.

Why you did that? It was peaceful but at the same time uncomfortable. Now I feel like a small child that needs you to guard me. Please, never leave me.

LO MAS HERMOSO ES LO MAS HORRIBLE...

Lo más hermoso es lo más horrible, que a su vez es lo más hermoso. ¿Cómo diferenciar entre lo más horrible y lo más hermoso? Solo dime que "no me amas" pero dimelo de frente, mirandome a los ojos.

That's the way I feel right now. I love JC and I know he loves me, but for some circumstances that are out of me, I can't manage the time I would like to spend with him. I love him, and I can't do anything about it. I know that for the same circumstances he can not express the same thing about me. I would like to force it; I would like to give him the means to have full access to me, as I have full access to him. But once more, I don't want to force the situation. I have been there in which people I know want to force the situation with me. Once more, I haven't love them, and my bear loves me. Is it true? Does he love me?

I don't know. I like to picture me as a sport club in which people have different priority access. He is the only one that has priority level one. This means that he has full access to do whatever he wants to do. Unfortunately he uses it as if he had priority level4. I feel it as a waste. He and I can do so much more!

One day my Teddy, just don't give up on me. I will be there.

NO HEAD FOR A TITLE. LOL

What a horrible sensation is to have an abstinence syndrome. I have one. I do not use drugs, my only drug is PEA that my brain produces when I am with my sweet bear. Unfortunately I haven't seen him in several days and I am starting to miss him.

It might sound that is horrible to be in love, but it is. The only thing is that it is the most beautiful thing in the world as well. You can't take the paint with out the sweet. What I have to do is to try to learn how to live with the pain, so, when I get the sweet I enjoy it as much as I can.

My sweet heart loves me, and I am so happy and confident that our relationship is going to last, and is going to be awesome!

JC, I really love you!!!!

THE PERFECT TIME

It wasn't close to the perfect time, but I liked it as much as it were. I was last night with my bear and we had an excellent evening. I just forgot about time. It was too late to go back home, so I staid with him. We talk about so many things. I put some of his words in my coffer or wonders. He brings me to much life!!!
I went this morning to the hospital, where he works. I introduce him to SD. He liked him. I didn't want to come back, but I had. Mom is not doing so well. She woke up with a pain in her tommy. I don't know what is going to happen. JC told me about a dream he had that scares me. I just pray to God for the good.
He called me a few minutes ago. I thought he forgot to tell me something, but the true is that he just call me because he misses me and wants to be with me. I love him so much! and I now know he loves me back the same way.
Well...now is time to go to work ( in Sunday). :S
I know is just a temporary thing this job. About my bear, I have a feeling it is going to be for the rest of my life.

C.R.A.

CRA stands for clinical research associate. This is what I would like to do . I love research and I love science and technology, and mostly focused on the health area. I went today for an interview in a company that does CRA. I hope I 'll be accepted. I am very confident on that.

But what I really want to talk about tonight is how much I love JC, and that JT has been putting bad ideas in my mind. Probably he does this not knowing that he is hurting me. That is why I will not going to talk with him about JC anymore. Yesterday I went with JC to the University to ask for a CRA course. I had breakfast with him and was the most perfect morning for me. I love him and he loves me back. I don't need to be worry about what JT tells me. I know JC is Mr. Right.

NONSENSE COMPASS

Where my heart should look at? I don't know. If someone know the answer, please tell me, because this hurts!
Yes, I know, it sounds like poetry of some sort, but it is matter of the heart. I already tried science. I tried to explain that "love" is not more than just phenyletylamine that is released in the brain. I even had a cure! When I had the abstinence syndrome I just need to take some exogenous PEA. It worked, but I just realized that the PEA is easily discomposed by the MAO. It was more a placebo than anything else. But it worked!

Today I am facing a question of uncertainty. I have this new job, which is not so easy to do but I will be fine, that has a lot of benefits in my growth as a professional. Unfortunately it doesn't allow me to see JC as much as I would like to. In part, this is good because in that way it will make dependence in us. We will miss each other. In the other hand, makes me so sad. The other day I received a phone call from a person that would like to give me an interview for a job I really would like to do. Well, the thing is that I am not sure if I will have to be relocated. I hope not, but I really would like to do this. What can I do if I don't want to leave JC behind?

The story doesn't end there. JC has many doubts. I know he has left a relationship, that he told me was destructive, just a month ago. He said that he would like to have a relationship with me. Something real, something that will last. I don't know what to think, because that's exactly what I want, but he wants to go slow, but he is going very slow. He even can't mention we are couple. He just says we are dating. That's it! Are we just dating with so much love?

I don't want to scare him away, so I am doing a big effort not to look obsessive with him. I just send him a "good morning" message in the morning and a "good night call" at night. I don't think thats much. Actually, if it were for me and my hormones, I will call him every single time, and would like to be pasted at him like a leach. But I love him and don't want to do those things.

If I am in need, I call JT so I will not bother JC. But JT has given me to many advise and has said to many things that I really didn't wanted to hear. He has polluted my mind. He has been right in some points, and I agree with him. The problem is that each time I talk with him, I feel more and more that I am loosing my JC. I don't want to lost him. But JT has put to many doubts in my mind. Is JC really love me? does he really want a LTR with me? Should I stay with him and don't take this big opportunity to do what I want to do (professionally) in case they asked me to relocate? I am not sure about anything. I can't plan or fix other peoples life. Even if I love them, and even more if they love me back. But I am very uneasy with this things.

I really love him. Please Teddy Bear, respond to me!! I am not sure why you arrive this days. I was kind of Ok with out thinking or trying to find someone to love. I was Ok single. But now that you are in my life, I really, REALLY, DO NOT want you away. Wish you could understand me, and forget your fears and tried to just life your feelings. Express them! be free with them. And tried to run by my side!

FLASHES OF ANGUISHABLE HAPPINESS

I am starting to feel pain. But not the kind of pain that comes with something bad. Is the kind of pain that comes from something really good. Like when one eats a very sweet dessert and in stead of saying yummy, one says ahhuugg. Well, that is the kind of happiness I am having right now. Well....the alternative is to stop eating the sweet and starve. What do I want? mmmm.
Well, putting in order my ideas I will say:
1.- I want to keep the relationship with my bear running. He really makes me feel good. He is my everyday happiness maker.
2.- I want a job that feeds me and helps me feed my family. But not only that. I want something that makes me grow professionally and, why not, brings me a lot of happiness in different ways.
The uhgg sweet comes because of the second thing. It looks like everything is going perfect, and suddenly a better alternative pops up. I am afraid that if I took all this goodies I will end with nothing, and even worst, but a very bad taste.
I don't know what I am doing, but I am thinking to solve any doubts about my professional life in a way I will not damage my relationship with my bear. I really don't think he will do the same for me. At least not now. But I really love him and I pray to God he to be the one that will walk the rest of my life by my side.
Let's see where it all ends. I love you my sweetie bear!

Blue Day

How to describe something so beautiful and at the same time so painful? I left the reader when I was going to the hospital. To the service of Traumatology and Orthopedics. I must add that I left the hospital due to several faints my mom had. I would like to add that she is doing much better now. The point is that I stop going, not only because I wanted to look after her, but because I dropped into a sever depression. I literally didn't care about myself. I had problems even with my hygiene, which I am very peaky. I was dying. If it weren't for my website, I will be dead by now. I worked night and day in the only thing that brought me joy. I realize, by writing in it about me, how I was and where I wanted to be. I wanted to be left alone. The only person that would made me get out of my home, but not with out me complain, was Sergio. I really felt like Shrek, you know, the ogre in the comic movie. Well... even if I wanted to be left alone, I had the need of a chat. So I tried one of the bear web sites. Of course I had my chat, but not with out having to tolerate the uncomfortable "I want to talk with you, give me your phone number" or "do you want to date me?". This people were really stupid, because I really didn't felt like hanging out with any one, so I wrote in my profile, DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ANYONE, JUST CHAT. Apparently there are some mindless people that do not read. Well,
the thing is that for some reason I get to know this only guy that came from nowhere and in the same day made me give him my msn, my phone number, and I get to know him as much as I get to know him. I met his parents and his family (in picture of course). He has been awesome. I don't know why, but soddenly everything starts to change in my life. But so fast. It is so fast, that I am afraid. Afraid of everything. I have known this guy for only three days and I know everything about him and he know everything about me. We are dating. :S And I didn't wanted a lover right now. I had a job, and I will start on Monday. Isn't it that fast?
The only thing that makes me uneasy with this guy is that I have been so depressed and he soddenly took away that depression and turn it into fully happiness. I am right now in a mix of emotions. Loosing from time to time my objectivity and measuring emotions. The doubt right now is what does he want to do? where is he going to?
I feel like hating him because he has access to my heart so easy, and I (exticltly talking) don't know this guy. But I love him because he save me and he is so alike.
How can you love someone that hurts you deeply in your heart? how can you hate someone that brings you to the top in only one day?
I want to see it just as objectively as possible. He is just a guy that shares a lot of things in commune with me. The only thing is that he makes me to produce a lot of endorphin, which makes me feel fully stomach, heart beatings, sleepless, unmeasurable flow of emotions from total euphoria to uncomfortable sadness.
I don't want to get hurt by him. I really want to have a good relationship with him. Look after him as if he were my partner in life. I heard that probably he will have to move to another city.
that makes me even more on easy. I feel this deep endorphinic love for him, that I do not want to loose him. If he goes away. I will feel so hurt. I don't want to feel hurt, and even less for a guy that I have met just three days ago.

cof cof, snif snif

Yea, I know, I know. I am sick. I have a cold, and I haven't go to the hospital in two weeks. I didn't went today nether. My mom doesn't appreciate me to stay to look after them. But any way, they are not paying me. I am looking now for a real job. Now I have just to tell my uncle that I may not coming back to the hospital. This is going to be the hard part....well...may be looking for a job. hehehehe

But yea!! you have noticed? I am actually happy, after all those horrible things that have happened to me lately. But well, I have noticed that I have something very important around me: my friends. The real once, not the fake "yes I-Love-U" once, but just want to have sex. no, no, no. The real stuff. The once that support me, the once that are there where I am having difficulties. To all of them, THANK YOU!!!!!

Harry Potter Syndorme

Here we go again. I haven't gone to the hospital in two weeks. I will try to go on Monday, because I have no intentions to go tomorrow. I have been sick. The first week was because my mom was very wick and sick, and I had to look after her, but I got a flu from her, so now I am sick. I should go because it is nice when you are sick and you show others that even if you are sick you take care of your responsibilities. But, hey!! I am not getting pay, this is not school, actually, I have no idea if I can even get a paper that I am doing this so I can post it in my curriculum. I am just doing it because I love it and because I am learning extraofficialy a lot. But I do not love it as much to show up sick.
In stead, I woke up late and went to watch Harry Potter with two very good friends. I feel a little embarrassed because they pay for everything, but I thank them so much. It was a very nice experience. A good movie, a good dinner, and a good company. That remind me that may be, I have lost love, money, and health, but I still have friendship. And that is what have been keeping me alive. Good friends and family. May be that is what God wants me to know. To understand that health, love, and money comes and goes, but a family and a real friendship stays there to help you out. I know, I have some relatives that are kind of a worst enemy, but family is suppose to be there to help each other and that is what I will do right now. That is my responsibility in this moment, to look after my family and let my friends to be with me.

All or nothing.

Why the title? I really don't know. It just came to my mind. I am a little scared. My friend D talked with the canaidan thief. He said lies, as usual. But the point is other. She asked me if I was gay. So far, I think I am not. One thing is sure. I like both, males and females. I use to think of myself as bisexual, but I'm not sure anymore. My straight friends talk about girls in a very intense way. The say way my gay friends talk about guys. I don't think in they way they do, so now I am just thinking I am asexual, but I am just looking for someone just because of imitation of the society.
The problem is not my sexuality, the problem is to accept myself whatever I am. She said something very wise. She said "if you want to walk in the watter, you have to get out of the boat", meaning I have to get out of my comfort zone. I think that my comfort zone is to pretend something I am not. What I am not is a regular guy, like the typical Mexican guy that loves two things: soccer and women.
I think of myself as a handicap person. I am not able to act in a sexually normal way (I'm including homosexuality and heterosexuality in the normal sexual way). That is the way I should see myself. I should accept myself as a big little kid.
This leads me to other thoughts. When I was a little kid, I choose a broken toy from the nice. Why was that? I didn't want to leave alone the one that I knew no one will choose. I think I grow in that way, and now I am nice with the broken people. I try to be nice with everyone, even the most evil, jerk, and asshole person. I have to learn to be a little more asshole myself.

All or nothing.

Why the title? I really don't know. It just came to my mind. I am a little scared. My friend D talked with the canaidan thief. He said lies, as usual. But the point is other. She asked me if I was gay. So far, I think I am not. One thing is sure. I like both, males and females. I use to think of myself as bisexual, but I'm not sure anymore. My straight friends talk about girls in a very intense way. The say way my gay friends talk about guys. I don't think in they way they do, so now I am just thinking I am asexual, but I am just looking for someone just because of imitation of the society.
The problem is not my sexuality, the problem is to accept myself whatever I am. She said something very wise. She said "if you want to walk in the watter, you have to get out of the boat", meaning I have to get out of my comfort zone. I think that my comfort zone is to pretend something I am not. What I am not is a regular guy, like the typical Mexican guy that loves two things: soccer and women.
I think of myself as a handicap person. I am not able to act in a sexually normal way (I'm including homosexuality and heterosexuality in the normal sexual way). That is the way I should see myself. I should accept myself as a big little kid.
This leads me to other thoughts. When I was a little kid, I choose a broken toy from the nice. Why was that? I didn't want to leave alone the one that I knew no one will choose. I think I grow in that way, and now I am nice with the broken people. I try to be nice with everyone, even the most evil, jerk, and asshole person. I have to learn to be a little more asshole myself.

Artrosis

Artrosis is a Degeneration of the articulations (joints) caused by the used.

I can say it was a very good day. My uncle asked me to stay with a female doctor that doesn't teach, but I was glad that the resident of the last year was with her. He tough me many things related to the orthopedics of the upper limb.

I can say it was a good day, but I was specking to do some hand surgery today, but I am happy with my day because I learned some stuff.

There is other thing I find uncomfortable. I couldn't reach Sergio. Hehehehe. I guess he went out with his girl.

Lasec sign

I haven't written because I have been busy plus I have been depressed. Today was a good day. Actually I can say I have a nice taste in my mouth. Not literally, but figurative. There was an exam in the morning that I felt I did Ok, but my uncle said there were many wrong. He said in in his particular way of saying thing in a way that makes you feel garbage. Any way, I tried not to pay attention to that. I have my plan, I know what I am and where do I want to go. I don't have to listen to those words.

Later on, I went to the Orthopedics Emergency Office (OEO). I was with this guy and this girl that are kind of nice. The guy is R1 and the Girl is R2. They explained me a lot of things, and I got to put several casts and splints. Finally, my uncle arrived, he talked to me in a very nice way, we had a very nice conversation about some research he wants to do. Was a nice conversation, and he asked me for a favor. Right now I am wondering if he just had the nice conversation because he was going to ask me a favor. He had a very sower personality. But any way, I am not going there to visit with him, I am going there to relearn about medicine.

It was a very nice day and I learned a lot. Now I have to study a little more about Back and some signs and symptoms. Let see how it goes.

Antecedents

I graduated from the medical school the same year I moved to Canada from Mexico. This was the year 2004. Science and technology are my passion, but I enjoy other stuff like drawing and painting. My scientific side brought me to Canada looking for a better place to develop my research aptitudes. The first two years were a neat experience. I got to know wonderful people that I made friends with. I started as a volunteer in group home, where I learned valuable lessons about life and improve my English. I lived in this group home for two incredible years. At third year I faced the real Canada. I got my residency status and I started to look for what I was meant to do. I couldn’t find a job closer to my profession. I planned to keep working with people with disabilities while I make it threw the system. This was the only job they allowed me to do. Finally, a friend helped me to get back to school. It wasn’t what I was looking for, but it helped me to keep me busy and build a Canadian curriculum. After this year I planed to get my second degree. This time I was planning to do Engineering. Unfortunately bad news arrived from Mexico. Three members of my direct family got very sick. I decided to pack all my stuff and move back to my natal country to help them out. The situation grew worst. As if things weren’t bad enough with my family, the person I trusted my personal stuff in Canada took advantage of the situation getting all the money I had in my bank account. With no money to go back and/or survive in my own country I had to look for a job. But things weren’t easy because I had to look for my relatives 24/7. 2007 has been the worst year of my life. I lost my position as a physician while I was in Canada, I lost my personal stuff, I lost my savings, I lost the close contact with my new friends, my family lost their health. There are only one good friend that lives in Mexico and few others that support me from far away that have been helping me to still stand. I remembered the only thing that I couldn’t loose while I was in Canada, the fact that I am an MD. I recovered the confidence and I am trying to get back my position as a physician. I am visiting a local hospital and studying everyday to get my knowledge back. This blog will narrate the progress I have while I make a live as a physician.