WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I can’t handle it any more. Now is for real!!! I am so pist off a the situation. I don’t care what I did in the morning. Right now I just want to express my anger, my frustration. I am no mad at anyone, nor JC, nor SD, nor at me an my stupid, crazy ideas. I am just mad at the situation. Everything I do is wrong, or, it is not! What do I mean, is that I have no F)=&( idea if I am doing it right or wrong. Ok, I accept, I was running, ok, I am cooling my jets down. Ok, I am going to follow my life as normal, look at myself, so I can give myself healthy. Ok, and when I am worry about JC? What am I suppose to do? I am supposed to be an ass hole with him and just let him die, wait for him to call me? Am I supposed to give him my full support expecting him to reject him, because he doesn’t understand I am fully in there for him, and look like a needy guy?

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Look after my family? They don’t want to be looked after, or at least no in the way I can support them. Hang out with friends? What friends? JT and H that think only in sex? Or may be Denise or Gisella that are in another country and I can’t have a real contact? Or may be Diana and JJ that just say that would like to see me, but I know that they really doesn’t mean it. The only one that can hang out with is SD, and he is as busy as I am. Bastian? Well….he is the only one that has given me good advice in this things. He is really good!!! But he is busy to, and has his own life.

I have a bf, and what does my bf do? Nothing that a bf normally will do. He doesn’t call me, he doesn’t get anxious to see me. Yea, I know, I accepted him that way. I know, I was running. But hey!!! What do you want me to do???? If I do one thing, I am wrong, If I do the opposite, I am wrong too!!!! So what the heak, what am I suppose to do?

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Ok, now, In the morning I went out with SD. Was fun, I go with him and his mom to the mall. We talk a bit, he supports me, and I support him. I was happy for at least half of the day.
The other half……….did I said I hate my job? That I want to change job? That I am looking for something else? Ok……again, the stupid uncertainty. Am I going to stay here? Am I going to change works? What am I suppose to do? Follow my life as it is right now, and if I found another work, just fuck it all as if nothing happens?