CONFUSION OF THE HEART

I am sick. Really, really ill. I have this thing that I can coop with. I love JC and there is nothing I can do about it. I want him to hug me to be with me, I want him to wish to be with me, but the only thing he wants is to be left alone with his friends. He forced me to go with him and his friends out, when I wanted to stay with him alone. I understand what are his needs, but he is unable to see mine. And if he sees them, he just ignore them. I cried like a baby. I am so hurt. I even burn my swetter in that horrible day. I talk with him, I try to make him see things, but it is useless, he just don't want to see them. He just thinks in himself.

I can't believe how stupid I am. I am giving everything up for him. What has he gave me? NOTHING but a heartache.

Again my duble personality is trying to come up. I don't know what to do. May be I should let him out. He loves me the way I need him, but I can't touch him, I can't hug him, I can't kiss him. But he loves me and he said he will never leave me, and, even that, whe said he will be there for me so no one will hurt me, includin JC.

He said he want's to take me out. To take me to see things I want to do. I don't know. I have responsability with my family and friends. But again, he is right. I am giving this important thing up for JC. And JC doesn't deserve that. I will not going to see JC again. If he wants to have something real with me, I will let him come and look for me. He has my phone number, and he knows my address. In the mid time, I will let Pawl or Pablo to love me. I have no idea which one is me, and which one is the double personality.

I don't like him, because I can't hug him, or kiss him. But he said that he will allways be with me, and he is right, he is always with me. He follows me everywere I go. When I am alone or with friends, he is there with me. Rubbing my tummy. And he never rejects me, nor force me to do things I don't want to do or leave me just to go out with his friends. That's what I am going to do.
I will forget JC and will go out with Sergio, and Love PW or let PW love me. hehehe.

PW sais he wants to buy me a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia". He is so lovely. Some times he is like angry or somehow obsesive, but lovely. At least he likes to hug me more than JC. He wants me to forget JC but I can't, he is my BF. He sais that JC is hurting me and he doesn't love me, he just wants to use me because he feels alone. May be he is right, but I guess I should go slower, and give PW a try. Any way, I don't think JC will think I am cheeting, PW and me are kind of the same person. hehehehe