Lo más hermoso es lo más horrible, que a su vez es lo más hermoso. ¿Cómo diferenciar entre lo más horrible y lo más hermoso? Solo dime que "no me amas" pero dimelo de frente, mirandome a los ojos.
That's the way I feel right now. I love JC and I know he loves me, but for some circumstances that are out of me, I can't manage the time I would like to spend with him. I love him, and I can't do anything about it. I know that for the same circumstances he can not express the same thing about me. I would like to force it; I would like to give him the means to have full access to me, as I have full access to him. But once more, I don't want to force the situation. I have been there in which people I know want to force the situation with me. Once more, I haven't love them, and my bear loves me. Is it true? Does he love me?
I don't know. I like to picture me as a sport club in which people have different priority access. He is the only one that has priority level one. This means that he has full access to do whatever he wants to do. Unfortunately he uses it as if he had priority level4. I feel it as a waste. He and I can do so much more!
One day my Teddy, just don't give up on me. I will be there.
12 sept 2007
11 sept 2007
NO HEAD FOR A TITLE. LOL
What a horrible sensation is to have an abstinence syndrome. I have one. I do not use drugs, my only drug is PEA that my brain produces when I am with my sweet bear. Unfortunately I haven't seen him in several days and I am starting to miss him.
It might sound that is horrible to be in love, but it is. The only thing is that it is the most beautiful thing in the world as well. You can't take the paint with out the sweet. What I have to do is to try to learn how to live with the pain, so, when I get the sweet I enjoy it as much as I can.
My sweet heart loves me, and I am so happy and confident that our relationship is going to last, and is going to be awesome!
JC, I really love you!!!!
It might sound that is horrible to be in love, but it is. The only thing is that it is the most beautiful thing in the world as well. You can't take the paint with out the sweet. What I have to do is to try to learn how to live with the pain, so, when I get the sweet I enjoy it as much as I can.
My sweet heart loves me, and I am so happy and confident that our relationship is going to last, and is going to be awesome!
JC, I really love you!!!!
9 sept 2007
THE PERFECT TIME
It wasn't close to the perfect time, but I liked it as much as it were. I was last night with my bear and we had an excellent evening. I just forgot about time. It was too late to go back home, so I staid with him. We talk about so many things. I put some of his words in my coffer or wonders. He brings me to much life!!!
I went this morning to the hospital, where he works. I introduce him to SD. He liked him. I didn't want to come back, but I had. Mom is not doing so well. She woke up with a pain in her tommy. I don't know what is going to happen. JC told me about a dream he had that scares me. I just pray to God for the good.
He called me a few minutes ago. I thought he forgot to tell me something, but the true is that he just call me because he misses me and wants to be with me. I love him so much! and I now know he loves me back the same way.
Well...now is time to go to work ( in Sunday). :S
I know is just a temporary thing this job. About my bear, I have a feeling it is going to be for the rest of my life.
I went this morning to the hospital, where he works. I introduce him to SD. He liked him. I didn't want to come back, but I had. Mom is not doing so well. She woke up with a pain in her tommy. I don't know what is going to happen. JC told me about a dream he had that scares me. I just pray to God for the good.
He called me a few minutes ago. I thought he forgot to tell me something, but the true is that he just call me because he misses me and wants to be with me. I love him so much! and I now know he loves me back the same way.
Well...now is time to go to work ( in Sunday). :S
I know is just a temporary thing this job. About my bear, I have a feeling it is going to be for the rest of my life.
7 sept 2007
C.R.A.
CRA stands for clinical research associate. This is what I would like to do . I love research and I love science and technology, and mostly focused on the health area. I went today for an interview in a company that does CRA. I hope I 'll be accepted. I am very confident on that.
But what I really want to talk about tonight is how much I love JC, and that JT has been putting bad ideas in my mind. Probably he does this not knowing that he is hurting me. That is why I will not going to talk with him about JC anymore. Yesterday I went with JC to the University to ask for a CRA course. I had breakfast with him and was the most perfect morning for me. I love him and he loves me back. I don't need to be worry about what JT tells me. I know JC is Mr. Right.
But what I really want to talk about tonight is how much I love JC, and that JT has been putting bad ideas in my mind. Probably he does this not knowing that he is hurting me. That is why I will not going to talk with him about JC anymore. Yesterday I went with JC to the University to ask for a CRA course. I had breakfast with him and was the most perfect morning for me. I love him and he loves me back. I don't need to be worry about what JT tells me. I know JC is Mr. Right.
5 sept 2007
NONSENSE COMPASS
Where my heart should look at? I don't know. If someone know the answer, please tell me, because this hurts!
Yes, I know, it sounds like poetry of some sort, but it is matter of the heart. I already tried science. I tried to explain that "love" is not more than just phenyletylamine that is released in the brain. I even had a cure! When I had the abstinence syndrome I just need to take some exogenous PEA. It worked, but I just realized that the PEA is easily discomposed by the MAO. It was more a placebo than anything else. But it worked!
Today I am facing a question of uncertainty. I have this new job, which is not so easy to do but I will be fine, that has a lot of benefits in my growth as a professional. Unfortunately it doesn't allow me to see JC as much as I would like to. In part, this is good because in that way it will make dependence in us. We will miss each other. In the other hand, makes me so sad. The other day I received a phone call from a person that would like to give me an interview for a job I really would like to do. Well, the thing is that I am not sure if I will have to be relocated. I hope not, but I really would like to do this. What can I do if I don't want to leave JC behind?
The story doesn't end there. JC has many doubts. I know he has left a relationship, that he told me was destructive, just a month ago. He said that he would like to have a relationship with me. Something real, something that will last. I don't know what to think, because that's exactly what I want, but he wants to go slow, but he is going very slow. He even can't mention we are couple. He just says we are dating. That's it! Are we just dating with so much love?
I don't want to scare him away, so I am doing a big effort not to look obsessive with him. I just send him a "good morning" message in the morning and a "good night call" at night. I don't think thats much. Actually, if it were for me and my hormones, I will call him every single time, and would like to be pasted at him like a leach. But I love him and don't want to do those things.
If I am in need, I call JT so I will not bother JC. But JT has given me to many advise and has said to many things that I really didn't wanted to hear. He has polluted my mind. He has been right in some points, and I agree with him. The problem is that each time I talk with him, I feel more and more that I am loosing my JC. I don't want to lost him. But JT has put to many doubts in my mind. Is JC really love me? does he really want a LTR with me? Should I stay with him and don't take this big opportunity to do what I want to do (professionally) in case they asked me to relocate? I am not sure about anything. I can't plan or fix other peoples life. Even if I love them, and even more if they love me back. But I am very uneasy with this things.
I really love him. Please Teddy Bear, respond to me!! I am not sure why you arrive this days. I was kind of Ok with out thinking or trying to find someone to love. I was Ok single. But now that you are in my life, I really, REALLY, DO NOT want you away. Wish you could understand me, and forget your fears and tried to just life your feelings. Express them! be free with them. And tried to run by my side!
Yes, I know, it sounds like poetry of some sort, but it is matter of the heart. I already tried science. I tried to explain that "love" is not more than just phenyletylamine that is released in the brain. I even had a cure! When I had the abstinence syndrome I just need to take some exogenous PEA. It worked, but I just realized that the PEA is easily discomposed by the MAO. It was more a placebo than anything else. But it worked!
Today I am facing a question of uncertainty. I have this new job, which is not so easy to do but I will be fine, that has a lot of benefits in my growth as a professional. Unfortunately it doesn't allow me to see JC as much as I would like to. In part, this is good because in that way it will make dependence in us. We will miss each other. In the other hand, makes me so sad. The other day I received a phone call from a person that would like to give me an interview for a job I really would like to do. Well, the thing is that I am not sure if I will have to be relocated. I hope not, but I really would like to do this. What can I do if I don't want to leave JC behind?
The story doesn't end there. JC has many doubts. I know he has left a relationship, that he told me was destructive, just a month ago. He said that he would like to have a relationship with me. Something real, something that will last. I don't know what to think, because that's exactly what I want, but he wants to go slow, but he is going very slow. He even can't mention we are couple. He just says we are dating. That's it! Are we just dating with so much love?
I don't want to scare him away, so I am doing a big effort not to look obsessive with him. I just send him a "good morning" message in the morning and a "good night call" at night. I don't think thats much. Actually, if it were for me and my hormones, I will call him every single time, and would like to be pasted at him like a leach. But I love him and don't want to do those things.
If I am in need, I call JT so I will not bother JC. But JT has given me to many advise and has said to many things that I really didn't wanted to hear. He has polluted my mind. He has been right in some points, and I agree with him. The problem is that each time I talk with him, I feel more and more that I am loosing my JC. I don't want to lost him. But JT has put to many doubts in my mind. Is JC really love me? does he really want a LTR with me? Should I stay with him and don't take this big opportunity to do what I want to do (professionally) in case they asked me to relocate? I am not sure about anything. I can't plan or fix other peoples life. Even if I love them, and even more if they love me back. But I am very uneasy with this things.
I really love him. Please Teddy Bear, respond to me!! I am not sure why you arrive this days. I was kind of Ok with out thinking or trying to find someone to love. I was Ok single. But now that you are in my life, I really, REALLY, DO NOT want you away. Wish you could understand me, and forget your fears and tried to just life your feelings. Express them! be free with them. And tried to run by my side!
4 sept 2007
FLASHES OF ANGUISHABLE HAPPINESS
I am starting to feel pain. But not the kind of pain that comes with something bad. Is the kind of pain that comes from something really good. Like when one eats a very sweet dessert and in stead of saying yummy, one says ahhuugg. Well, that is the kind of happiness I am having right now. Well....the alternative is to stop eating the sweet and starve. What do I want? mmmm.
Well, putting in order my ideas I will say:
1.- I want to keep the relationship with my bear running. He really makes me feel good. He is my everyday happiness maker.
2.- I want a job that feeds me and helps me feed my family. But not only that. I want something that makes me grow professionally and, why not, brings me a lot of happiness in different ways.
The uhgg sweet comes because of the second thing. It looks like everything is going perfect, and suddenly a better alternative pops up. I am afraid that if I took all this goodies I will end with nothing, and even worst, but a very bad taste.
I don't know what I am doing, but I am thinking to solve any doubts about my professional life in a way I will not damage my relationship with my bear. I really don't think he will do the same for me. At least not now. But I really love him and I pray to God he to be the one that will walk the rest of my life by my side.
Let's see where it all ends. I love you my sweetie bear!
Well, putting in order my ideas I will say:
1.- I want to keep the relationship with my bear running. He really makes me feel good. He is my everyday happiness maker.
2.- I want a job that feeds me and helps me feed my family. But not only that. I want something that makes me grow professionally and, why not, brings me a lot of happiness in different ways.
The uhgg sweet comes because of the second thing. It looks like everything is going perfect, and suddenly a better alternative pops up. I am afraid that if I took all this goodies I will end with nothing, and even worst, but a very bad taste.
I don't know what I am doing, but I am thinking to solve any doubts about my professional life in a way I will not damage my relationship with my bear. I really don't think he will do the same for me. At least not now. But I really love him and I pray to God he to be the one that will walk the rest of my life by my side.
Let's see where it all ends. I love you my sweetie bear!
31 ago 2007
Blue Day
How to describe something so beautiful and at the same time so painful? I left the reader when I was going to the hospital. To the service of Traumatology and Orthopedics. I must add that I left the hospital due to several faints my mom had. I would like to add that she is doing much better now. The point is that I stop going, not only because I wanted to look after her, but because I dropped into a sever depression. I literally didn't care about myself. I had problems even with my hygiene, which I am very peaky. I was dying. If it weren't for my website, I will be dead by now. I worked night and day in the only thing that brought me joy. I realize, by writing in it about me, how I was and where I wanted to be. I wanted to be left alone. The only person that would made me get out of my home, but not with out me complain, was Sergio. I really felt like Shrek, you know, the ogre in the comic movie. Well... even if I wanted to be left alone, I had the need of a chat. So I tried one of the bear web sites. Of course I had my chat, but not with out having to tolerate the uncomfortable "I want to talk with you, give me your phone number" or "do you want to date me?". This people were really stupid, because I really didn't felt like hanging out with any one, so I wrote in my profile, DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ANYONE, JUST CHAT. Apparently there are some mindless people that do not read. Well,
the thing is that for some reason I get to know this only guy that came from nowhere and in the same day made me give him my msn, my phone number, and I get to know him as much as I get to know him. I met his parents and his family (in picture of course). He has been awesome. I don't know why, but soddenly everything starts to change in my life. But so fast. It is so fast, that I am afraid. Afraid of everything. I have known this guy for only three days and I know everything about him and he know everything about me. We are dating. :S And I didn't wanted a lover right now. I had a job, and I will start on Monday. Isn't it that fast?
The only thing that makes me uneasy with this guy is that I have been so depressed and he soddenly took away that depression and turn it into fully happiness. I am right now in a mix of emotions. Loosing from time to time my objectivity and measuring emotions. The doubt right now is what does he want to do? where is he going to?
I feel like hating him because he has access to my heart so easy, and I (exticltly talking) don't know this guy. But I love him because he save me and he is so alike.
How can you love someone that hurts you deeply in your heart? how can you hate someone that brings you to the top in only one day?
I want to see it just as objectively as possible. He is just a guy that shares a lot of things in commune with me. The only thing is that he makes me to produce a lot of endorphin, which makes me feel fully stomach, heart beatings, sleepless, unmeasurable flow of emotions from total euphoria to uncomfortable sadness.
I don't want to get hurt by him. I really want to have a good relationship with him. Look after him as if he were my partner in life. I heard that probably he will have to move to another city.
that makes me even more on easy. I feel this deep endorphinic love for him, that I do not want to loose him. If he goes away. I will feel so hurt. I don't want to feel hurt, and even less for a guy that I have met just three days ago.
the thing is that for some reason I get to know this only guy that came from nowhere and in the same day made me give him my msn, my phone number, and I get to know him as much as I get to know him. I met his parents and his family (in picture of course). He has been awesome. I don't know why, but soddenly everything starts to change in my life. But so fast. It is so fast, that I am afraid. Afraid of everything. I have known this guy for only three days and I know everything about him and he know everything about me. We are dating. :S And I didn't wanted a lover right now. I had a job, and I will start on Monday. Isn't it that fast?
The only thing that makes me uneasy with this guy is that I have been so depressed and he soddenly took away that depression and turn it into fully happiness. I am right now in a mix of emotions. Loosing from time to time my objectivity and measuring emotions. The doubt right now is what does he want to do? where is he going to?
I feel like hating him because he has access to my heart so easy, and I (exticltly talking) don't know this guy. But I love him because he save me and he is so alike.
How can you love someone that hurts you deeply in your heart? how can you hate someone that brings you to the top in only one day?
I want to see it just as objectively as possible. He is just a guy that shares a lot of things in commune with me. The only thing is that he makes me to produce a lot of endorphin, which makes me feel fully stomach, heart beatings, sleepless, unmeasurable flow of emotions from total euphoria to uncomfortable sadness.
I don't want to get hurt by him. I really want to have a good relationship with him. Look after him as if he were my partner in life. I heard that probably he will have to move to another city.
that makes me even more on easy. I feel this deep endorphinic love for him, that I do not want to loose him. If he goes away. I will feel so hurt. I don't want to feel hurt, and even less for a guy that I have met just three days ago.
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