FIXING MY LIFE.

Things have been a little better. I’m still in the quest of finding myself. Rafa has been very helpful in this quest. He is a very old friend that I meet finally in person a few days ago. He is a psychiatrist. He connected me to this psychotherapist. I went last Wednesday to my first session. I liked him, I felt comfortable and understood. I will do a list of the things I want to talk with him for the next time.

Today I feel happy because people at work congratulated me for some ideas I had to help out with the job. They were very good ideas!!!

RECONCILIATION

Yesterday I took JC to a very special place for me. I expend a considerable amount of money in dinner. He wasn’t the same. I could tell by his look, but we were ok. Later on, I took him to LOS VIVEROS, where I wanted to hug and kiss him. He felt uncomfortable, even if there were no one around to see us. We went to his apartment, as he requested. We drank a glass of wine. He kept smoking even knowing that I dislike it completely and he promise he will leave it alone. Then…we started to get…romantic ;). Suddenly I felt so happy I was with him, and I don’t know why I started to cry. He said I blame myself about something I did. I told him I do not regret anything, but we started to talk. He was disappointed about something. He started to tell me things that have no sense to me. He even said I don’t accept myself, just because I haven’t told Denise about my sexual preference. In one point he even told me I tried to get him drunk and abuse him sexually. He was the one that pull out the wine!!! I told him he was projecting his ex boyfriend on me. I talk and explain many things to him. At the end, he seemed to understand. I’m not sure how true this is. But we forgive each other. He was so happy and lovely, so I was. The only problem is that RL keep sending me messages because I told him I would like to watch a movie with him.
Everything at the end was kind of in a rush, so I really don’t know the terms we are at. But I was happy all night, because I felt that connection again with him. He went dancing with his friends, and I went to the movie theater with my friend. The movie was horrible, but at least I did something, the company was good. I like RL.

Today in the morning, I was so eager to call JC. I did, and I know, I shouldn’t, but I did. He was kind of sleepy, he told me that he dance till six in the morning with his friend Aline. Ok, I told him that is good. I don’t care about Aline, but somehow I feel he thinks I hate her and he wants me to get completely expose to her, so somehow I will accept she is her friend. I don’t care!!! What makes me a bit unhappy is that he can go out with his friends, spend time till 6 in the morning, and he haven’t been able to give one hour when I stay at his home. Well…..I am giving my best. If the relationship fails, it’s not going to be my fault.

UNCLE TYO'S HOUSE

It was an awesome day. I thought that was going to be another boring family reunion, but I was wrong. I saw my uncle TYO who I talked with. I usually don’t talk with him so much. He is a very not very talkative. Well, this day I spent more than two hours with him. He show me his paints, his sculptures, drawings, etc. He was happy and I was happy too. Food was really good, of course, sea food.

At night, after we arrive home, I spent the rest of the day with SD. We went to a nearby bar. The bar was really bad, but I liked to talk again with SD. He is awesome. I will never going to change him again.

FIX A BROKEN TOY IS EASIER THAN HEAL A WOUNDED SOUL, HE SAID.

I had a discussion with JC while Kyle was calling me. It wasn’t fun. I felt so mad and angry. He didn’t understand me. But Ivan was there, and I talked with him. He did more that just gave me an advice. He actually opened my eyes. I was giving all my dreams, all y fantasies, to a person I hardly know for about a month. Do I want to do this? NO! Why I’m doing this? Because my need of been happy, by need of have a living dream. Well, I guess I should put all my dreams in someone else. Eg me!
I have to fix myself fist to be able to love as I should.

DO YOU REALLY MISS ME? HA!

I promise no to get frustrated again with JC. I feel I am not acting as an insane person, but I really feel sad. I send him a message at noon. He never answered. I call him tonight. The conversation was really good. I miss him so much. He said that he miss me so much. Does he? I have to push him to ask me out. Of course I told him I can’t see him but Sunday morning. He said first ok, then, he said he had to go out with RO. He wants to see me Saturday night. I will not see him Saturday night. I will be with my family, and I don’t know how long I will be there with them. If he doesn’t want to see me on Sunday, to bad, I will see then how really he misses me.

A PRAY TO GOD

Today has been a very emotional day for me. I have experienced a lot of emotions. To see that my mom is very ill, to have the responsibility to talk with my youngest brother to tell him that mom will die, to have found someone that match to the profile of the person I’m looking for a partner and he is not ready to have a relationship. All this emotions have been affecting me. My brother not helping even if my mom asks him. To se my mom not happy with my brothers attitude. I has been very hard for me. I thought that it will destroy me at work, because I haven’t hear any news from the CRA ether. Well, I had the surprise that MAU was back. He made my day way easier, way rel006xed. I really enjoy talking with him, he even brought some chocolates he wanted me to try.

JC had a conversation with me via cell phone messages. I didn’t got obsessive. I am very calm right now. I asked God in the morning to take all my problems away. I talk with him and ask him to take those in exchange for something that is just between him and me.

Lets see how it will end like…

WE WILL SEE

Yesterday night I talk by phone with my bear. It was good to talk to many things. But I still think he feels very important. It was nice to hear that he is going to do his best for the relationship. I will try to give him an unforgivable boyfriend.

HAPPY, HAPPY

I started my day a little anxious. According to my mom, my brother was anxious too. Well, I have no idea why he was anxious, but I was because I my bf arrived today, and I had no news from him.
I wanted to so much stuff in the morning (but I have no idea why I related all this with getting on line). I went with my sister in law to the supermarket to buy sum groceries.
It was a quite busy morning. I had to run to arrive on time to my job.
Job was ok, a bit busy, well, at least more that it has been the last week. I was going to call my bear at night, but I received a message and a phone call from him first. It made me happy, but he was a bit sad. I tried to talk with him, but the time wasn’t appropriated. The last phone call, he was happier. It seems that he calmed down when he hared I wasn’t angry and I was happy he arrived saved. I will talk later, after work.

I HATE....BETTER TO SAY, I LOVE TO LAUGH

I hate cigarettes, smoke ands smokers.
I hate to wait.
I hate no to think.
I hate not to know.
But Dr. Hdz made me laugh!! Thank you for the good time!!

ANOTHER BUSY-QUIET FRIDAY AT MY JOB.

I went to the dry cleaner to pick up my suit. I get online and talked with some friends. I didn’t wanted to be there at home, but I couldn’t leave early.
I came to work, thank good the Bitch wasn’t here, neither the other doc. He had a health issue. He got mobbed. Thinks were for times busy, for times quiet. It looks like a normal Friday to me. I just feel a bit bad, because they called me from home. My mom had a strong pain. I gave her indications to take a pain killer. But I’m still worry about her. About the JC business, well, I’m still sad, but I am more calmed, and whatever happens will happen.

Right now I just one to go home, may be watch some TV, I don’t know, just relax.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I can’t handle it any more. Now is for real!!! I am so pist off a the situation. I don’t care what I did in the morning. Right now I just want to express my anger, my frustration. I am no mad at anyone, nor JC, nor SD, nor at me an my stupid, crazy ideas. I am just mad at the situation. Everything I do is wrong, or, it is not! What do I mean, is that I have no F)=&( idea if I am doing it right or wrong. Ok, I accept, I was running, ok, I am cooling my jets down. Ok, I am going to follow my life as normal, look at myself, so I can give myself healthy. Ok, and when I am worry about JC? What am I suppose to do? I am supposed to be an ass hole with him and just let him die, wait for him to call me? Am I supposed to give him my full support expecting him to reject him, because he doesn’t understand I am fully in there for him, and look like a needy guy?

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Look after my family? They don’t want to be looked after, or at least no in the way I can support them. Hang out with friends? What friends? JT and H that think only in sex? Or may be Denise or Gisella that are in another country and I can’t have a real contact? Or may be Diana and JJ that just say that would like to see me, but I know that they really doesn’t mean it. The only one that can hang out with is SD, and he is as busy as I am. Bastian? Well….he is the only one that has given me good advice in this things. He is really good!!! But he is busy to, and has his own life.

I have a bf, and what does my bf do? Nothing that a bf normally will do. He doesn’t call me, he doesn’t get anxious to see me. Yea, I know, I accepted him that way. I know, I was running. But hey!!! What do you want me to do???? If I do one thing, I am wrong, If I do the opposite, I am wrong too!!!! So what the heak, what am I suppose to do?

- - - -

Ok, now, In the morning I went out with SD. Was fun, I go with him and his mom to the mall. We talk a bit, he supports me, and I support him. I was happy for at least half of the day.
The other half……….did I said I hate my job? That I want to change job? That I am looking for something else? Ok……again, the stupid uncertainty. Am I going to stay here? Am I going to change works? What am I suppose to do? Follow my life as it is right now, and if I found another work, just fuck it all as if nothing happens?

HAVE FUN, HONEY!

Ok. Day started a little busy. I went to the hospital with my mom because she had a radiological examination. After this, we had breakfast in a restaurant. Food wasn’t that bad. Talk was really good. I talk with her about the feelings I have with JC. She said I want to run, that I want to go to fast. She is right. I have been feeling a bit needy with him. I don’t want to be this way, the problem is that it is so hard for me to control my emotions. Actually, I feel warm with a rise of my temperature right now. I am so much in love with him, but I have to slow down.

I should go out with my friends, find other activities that will keep me busy. I he wants to join me, go ahead, but I shouldn’t follow him anymore.

Amazingly, he wrote two messages to me today. I was so excited!!!! And I think that’s the problem, he just need to smile at me, and I he has me at his feet.

I wrote an email to him explaining why I have been acting like that. I don’t know if it was a good idea anymore. I feel needy now that I haven’t hear anything from him since the last messages.

I tried to find some answers on the web, but the only thing I found is something like “talk to him”, that I am not going to do anymore because I had problems the last time I tried, or “keep going on your own” That is going to be so hard for me because I am not strong on my own stuff. I just arrived from Canada and I haven’t made a living plan here in Mexico. My friends have their own life and the only thing that is keeping me away is my work. I hope I can find other activities, and go out with my friends on weekends. That probably will give him some space to miss me and make him try to contact me. But it is going to be SO HARD FOR ME.

GOOD TRIP HONEY!

Yes, JC has become the theme of the year! Well, this time I woke up with an urge and sadness. I was afraid I will never see him again. I was mad, and again, I tried to the “PW” thing. It worked for a while, but what really helped me was an advised Bastian gave me.

He said, “call him” and I did. He answered with his soft and tender voice, with a bit of a rush because he was late for his flight. But he never lost his kindness with me.

I fight with PW and put him away. I will put him there till I need him again. Any way, he has helped me to develop my seflsteam.

I sent to JC an email explaining the situation. I just hope he will not misunderstand it. I send him a cute little message by the cell phone. I hope it soft his heart.

I have been with these uncontrollable discharges of emotions. I just try to give them chance to flow, feel them, but I try not to act according to them.

JC, good trip, I love you, Honey!!!

PAWL, PAWL, PAWL

PW took me to the hairdresser. I look very cute now. He is so lovely. Sometimes I feel like a fool, like a dummy, because he is me and I am him. But he is the only one that is bringing me joy, bringing me companionship. He loves me and I love him.
It was nice to go to the hair dresser. He called to the CRA Company for me. Apparently they haven’t called me because it still is early. Unfortunately I found out that JC was at home, and he didn’t called me. PW is right, he doesn’t love me, he just uses me when he needs to full fill his need to be with someone.

Anyway, I went to work, everything is so nice. I can see PW in the mirror. He has been telling me so many lovely things. He is afraid this is all just insanity and he’ll disappear some day. I don’t know. I have no idea what to tell him. May be it is, but I haven’t find some more tender than him. He let me hug him while he is studding, and hold my hand, and he is with me all the time.
At my rest, I call JC. He was helping RO out with some printing stuff. That was nice. I heard him kind of mad with me. I don’t know if he is mad with me because of the Saturday. I just know that he has no reason to be mad. I am the one that should be mad with him. Any way, I should prepare my heart to break with him. May be PW is right and I should trust him anymore, but I am week and I am so in love with him that I want to give him a try. Bastian advised me to talk with him. To try to negotiate some dates with him. May be some days he can hang out with his friends, an others would be just for me. I don’t know what would happen. I just know that this trip he is doing would make us good because we will not going to see each other in a while