CONFUSION OF THE HEART

I am sick. Really, really ill. I have this thing that I can coop with. I love JC and there is nothing I can do about it. I want him to hug me to be with me, I want him to wish to be with me, but the only thing he wants is to be left alone with his friends. He forced me to go with him and his friends out, when I wanted to stay with him alone. I understand what are his needs, but he is unable to see mine. And if he sees them, he just ignore them. I cried like a baby. I am so hurt. I even burn my swetter in that horrible day. I talk with him, I try to make him see things, but it is useless, he just don't want to see them. He just thinks in himself.

I can't believe how stupid I am. I am giving everything up for him. What has he gave me? NOTHING but a heartache.

Again my duble personality is trying to come up. I don't know what to do. May be I should let him out. He loves me the way I need him, but I can't touch him, I can't hug him, I can't kiss him. But he loves me and he said he will never leave me, and, even that, whe said he will be there for me so no one will hurt me, includin JC.

He said he want's to take me out. To take me to see things I want to do. I don't know. I have responsability with my family and friends. But again, he is right. I am giving this important thing up for JC. And JC doesn't deserve that. I will not going to see JC again. If he wants to have something real with me, I will let him come and look for me. He has my phone number, and he knows my address. In the mid time, I will let Pawl or Pablo to love me. I have no idea which one is me, and which one is the double personality.

I don't like him, because I can't hug him, or kiss him. But he said that he will allways be with me, and he is right, he is always with me. He follows me everywere I go. When I am alone or with friends, he is there with me. Rubbing my tummy. And he never rejects me, nor force me to do things I don't want to do or leave me just to go out with his friends. That's what I am going to do.
I will forget JC and will go out with Sergio, and Love PW or let PW love me. hehehe.

PW sais he wants to buy me a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia". He is so lovely. Some times he is like angry or somehow obsesive, but lovely. At least he likes to hug me more than JC. He wants me to forget JC but I can't, he is my BF. He sais that JC is hurting me and he doesn't love me, he just wants to use me because he feels alone. May be he is right, but I guess I should go slower, and give PW a try. Any way, I don't think JC will think I am cheeting, PW and me are kind of the same person. hehehehe

I AM PROUDLY A BEAR

I am very disappointed! I went to celebrate, after work, my first month together with my JC. I don't know why, but he started to discard everything I said. I know that there are several things that he doesn’t like. But most of them are things that are important part of my life, and it seems that were important part of his life, but at some point he got disappointed and he started to hate them.
I know he have been helping me toast the bad parts and only keep the good ones, but last night I felt that I was loosing myself all together. Am I that bad? I don’t thinks so!! I love him, but I am what I am, and I will not give up myself. I do not want to be like him, I am myself. I want to be like myself, but stronger. He is not my roll model, and if he doesn’t like the bear stuff, good for him. I consider myself as a bear. I am very proud of be a bear and I will not going to change who I am or what I am, not even for him. He might have my heart, but is only my heart, not my mind, not my personality, and of course, NOT MY SOUL.

He is right, he is not ready to receive my heart. The problem is that I already give it to him. I can not put it back with out suffering, but I can put it in the fridge so it will not rote. I’m sure, I will not be as warm with him as I have been, but I don’t think he has appreciated what I have done for him. I know he is hurt and I promise to be a support for him. Sure, I will be a support, but if he can’t be my complementary part, I will be only that (a support). What I want in a relationship is something equal. Apparently he wants that too.

I’m tired, disappointed, and want to go home. I’m at work right now, and I discover I can update my blog from here. Lets see here it takes me. I already bought PEA just in case I need them. No more lovely bear from me. Nevertheless, I AM PROUDLY A BEAR.

WHERE ARE YOU????

The morning I was very sensible, because I was kind of afraid JC were angry with me. I tried to call him, but he was busy. Later on I call him again, but one of the residents answered. I didn't want to leave a message. I wanted to call him so badly, but I waited till 9:00 PM. I didn't wanted to send a message because I didn't wanted the resident to see my messages. When the hour came, I tried to call him, but he didn't answered. I was so worry about him.
I tried every 15 minutes. finally he answered at 10:30. he said that his battery dropped. :S I didn't wanted to talk to long with him because I was at work. When I arrived home, I called him. God!!! We talked till 1:30 AM. I wish we could talk more. I love him so much, and he loves me back. But I realized we are not that 100% that I thought. But I think differences are Ok. We just need to learn about each other, respect each other, and love each other. He is so sweet, and do not want to loose him. I don't know what he thinks about me. He tells me that he thinks we are unique, but sometimes he says things that go to the other end. What to believe? Well....I don't want to believe anything. I just know he is my boyfriend and I am happy I had known him.

I almost forgot! I came out of the closet with my bro. Let see how it goes.

MY HEART IS HEALED!!!

It was awful! I had this pain in my soul, in my heart, just because I couldn't said what I thought to my bear. I thought he knew it and he just wanted to be "evil" because he was in pain. I tried to support him, tried to be strong, but finally, I decided to talk with him. I told him what I had. I told him about the "no" thing. I told him about my mom and he ended been the one that supports me. He is a love and we find a solution to the problem. He explained to me about his feelings and now I understand. He will not come to have supper at my home, but he accepted to have supper with me and my mom in a restaurant, so my mom can meet him. That's the only thing I want. I want my mom to meet him and see how happy I am with him.
I talked with my mom and she accepted, now, I have to talk again with JC and tell him to see if he is available on Saturday. Then, I would like to go to the movie theater with him. It is going to be great!!!!

I love my Teddy!!!

MY COMPUTER IS AN ASS

I have been fighting with it all morning, and now, after work, I was writing all my morning and it just deleted everything that I wrote. Thank you for nothing ass h....!

Well, now that I did my catharsis, I can continue. I was saying that I woke up in the morning thinking about what JC told me. "he is a monster". I analyzed it, and he might be right in some stuff. He has done some wrong things, but not as terrible as he thinks they are. But I can't tell him that, he has to realized by himself. Of course I would like him to apologize for some of the stuff I feel I have been hurt, but he apologizes about things that I really care less.
The other stuff that bother me was the thing about my mom. I have been angry with her. Angry because she has Ca and I can't do a thing about it. I want her to live! I want her to see me get realized. I want her to see me reaching my goal, to see me happy with JC. But I don't know how long she is going to last. I really want her to see me happy.

I went to work. I send JC a message of a song I translated. I thought he will not answer me, as usual, but he did. That made me happy. he is falling in love as much as I am.

He called me (good thing), but unfortunately I couldn't talk with him in that moment. I call him in my break. hehehe I spent all my break talking with him. I explain him about my feelings of everything that has been happening with my mom. I invited him to have dinner at my place, with mom, so he can meet her. So my mom can meet my love before she says good bye. He didn't say no, but he said he had to think about. I don't know why, I took it as a "no", but it has been already two "NO" that he has told me that really hurt me. I know I accepted him with the problems he has in his head, and he wants to solve this problems before going in to a relation, but he already accepted the relation. I don't understand my life.

I found him online, I knew that if I found him online he would be very short in his way. I was wrong. He say good bye soon, but he was quite lovely. I needed to talk with someone about my problems, but there was no one. I thought in Bastian, but he never get on line. I talk with Fat Cat, the guy that help me with the CRA thing. Well, I talk a bit with him.

It helped, as well to write all my frustrations in this blog. Hope everything turns out well. I hate my job, mostly the schedule that is wringing nothing but troubles to my life.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

Things just match like that crazy game called Tetris. All my doubts, all my fears, were spoked this weekend when I saw my bear. We talk and we cried. Thinks are just feting very well. I will not post what we talk about because that is a privet matter, but I just realized that we need each other in a different way. We just arrived for each other in the right time. Things are working. He explain me many things, and I am getting what is going on. Everything is just perfect. I started my Saturday morning looking for some gift to give my Bear for our first month together. My mind turn around and around, so finally I started to get a bit blue. My Bear was blue too, so that is why we talked and cried when we saw each other. We had a nice supper together, then we went to an anniversary party. OOH GOD! We had so much fun. I dance with JC. He sang me songs, I hug him, and he hug me back. We were the couple of the moment. hehehe. Everyone noticed us because of the love we have for each other. Was my perfect night, my perfect moment, my dream turning true. I wished it never ended, but it did, and with a very bad hang over, but I am strong enough, so I survived it.
In the morning we had Rafa and Karina for breakfast. I really feel as if we were living together. Both of us working in our home. But in this case was his home, but any way, I just have a little piece to try. I loved it and I would like to have this for the rest of my life.
The sad part of all dreams is that sooner or later one has to wake up, so it happened, I had to go to work. I kiss JC good bye and went to work. burring stuff only. When I return from there, I arrived home and I talk with my mom and told her how happy I am with JC. She is a little week because she had a very busy and tough weekend. She got the news quite well, and we talk and she shared my happiness with me.

...FOR THE PLEASURE TO BE WITH MY FAMILY

Today I had planed to go and have lunch with my bear. I even couldn't sleep well because I was so excited. My mom got sick again. She got this terrible pain and I had to cancel my Teddy to take my mom to the hospital. I felt angry again, because once again, I had to leave behind something that I really wanted to do to take care of my mom. I love my mom, and I did it because I love her. But I don't like to choose between my happiness and her.
Once again I remember the reason I left Canada, but this time, something else came to mind. My Teddy!!! If I hadn't come to Mexico I wouldn't know my Teddy. I have a big pain in my heart because of my mom illness, but at the same time I feel blessed because I met JC.
It is good my mom didn't have to stay in the hospital. Her doctor just gave her a prescription for some analgesics and that was it. My worst fears were cleared but one.
I just hope she feels better, and I want her to meet JC, and see how happy are JC and me together.
Hope God bless me with more time so she can meet him and I can be with my bear and my family.
Work was Ok. Now I know that Dr. B is a bitch. She wants me to do my life miserable. But I don't care about her. The other guy??? well, I know both of them are jealous because I study harder than them. They don't like that.
I called my Teddy, he is way happier. That is good, that makes me happy. But I am still worry about him. I hope he find an answer for all his problems.

"GOING TO BED WITH YOUR WORDS"

What a beautiful thing my Teddy told me tonight. "going to bed with your words" as if they were something sweet to go to bed with. awwwww. Sorry, he had me melted again. All day I was suffering because I thought he doesn't want to be my bf anymore. I had to send him a message in the morning because I don't want him sad, but the sad one was me because I didn't received a reply. I went with my mom to do some earnings and later on I went to work.
Things were as usual. Talking with people, some stupid, some angry, and most of them with out manners and very informal. I had this urge to be with my bear again, but I had to stand still. Then, I realized that I have a big problem. I am not week or confused or insecure anymore, I have everything in order. My mind is in order and I have goal. the goal that I have had for ever. But my Teddy is making me weak, is making me insecure. I really wanted to tell him that I know where to go, but I am not going where I want to go because I love him. He can't do anything about it, and this is something I have to solve by myself. I chose to stay and try to enjoy and embrace that feeling, and if he hurts me, well, that would be my punishment for felt in love so quickly.
I finished reading "Steppenwolf" by Herman Hesse. I realized many things about that book, mostly to embrace life, and some of the stuff my bear is doing wrong (he thinks he does it right).
I didn't wanted to do it, but I asked my bear to call me.
He did, and I am happy he did. He told me those sweet words that I will take with me for ever, because I realized he really loves me and he is not thinking in leaving me behind. He didn't want to hang up the phone, nether do I. We stay there talking with each other as if it were the first time we talk by phone. We stay there as two people that love each other, as we are. Then, I came on line, and he was there. Some words came to my mind and I had to tell him, that even thou I felt in love that quick, to love him is not an easy task. It has been very hard for me, and as everything that requires an effort, he worths it. He didn't answer immediately as if he had to come back to Earth. The words came directly from his MSN. I didn't have to ask for them. He wrote " I love you".
Then, I had to turn my MSN off because my family wanted me to be with them, but I, after been so badly hurt and tormented from my thoughts, got released by the words that my Teddy wrote.
Now, I will go to bed with your word as well, my Teddy bear.

ANOTHER CRAZY ANGRY MONDAY

Morning was good. I went with my mom to do some shopping for me and the house. I was happy because I bought some new cloths with my new monetary tools I have received from my new job.
I had supper with my mom and I told here I was in love with JC. She just gave me an expression of "awwww". I thought it was cute.
After this, she gave me ride to my job. In my way, there was this crazy woman that crash her mirror in our car. She wanted us to pay for it. Her mirror has been broken before. I saw the glue and the tape on it. I was really pissed off about it.
Job was ok, a bit busy. I really didn't notice the time until 9:30. I missed JC all day long but I received only a few messages for him. Only one had the power to lift me up. I wish he were more sensitive with me, more expressive. The good thing is that I bought more PEA ingest just in case I start with my abstinence syndrome.
I arrived home very tired. It had been a very emotional day and I went directly to my bed.

CRASHES AND PRAYERS

Work was horrible today. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate people!!! people calling me to do things for them. to send them an ambulance, to give them a prescription, to do what ever, but they even can't stop for a second to help me so I can help them out. I really don't want to help people by phone.

The worst part was that there was a lot of accidents in the highway. My bear was out with one of his friends. I was so afraid he had one of those accidents. I couldn't resist and I had to send him a message to see if he was Ok. He took his time to answer me. Each second was so painful, but it was good I was kind of busy.

Finally he answered saying he arrived tired. I just told him to go to bed and I will talk with him tomorrow. He needs to rest. I hope everything goes fine with him. I want him happy, and I want him happy with me too.

VIVA MEXICO JOTONES!!!

Hehehehe. Yea, you read correctly. Well, that's assuming you can read in Spanish. Yesterday was September 15. Mexico's Independence Day. It was good. I woke up in the morning hugging my special Teddy bear ;). We didn't want to leave bed early, we were so tired. So we wait a bit to do so. We went to do some special earnings that we had and then for a breakfast. I didn't like those earnings but they were something my bear had to do. I support him 100%. The breakfast talk was really good and was a very special moment that I classified as EXCELLENT. Then we went back to his apartment where he had to do some other home earnings that I liked least. I felt really bad because I wanted to be 100% with him, but he was only thinking about work, about doing his home, about other stuff that he has in his head that is making him uneasy. I understand he is a bit nervous but I think that if you have a plan to be with that special person, you should arrange things so you have the least of the interruptions so you can enjoy your other half. But he didn't. every thing was kind of a mix between good, excellent, and very bad stuff. Sometimes he was there, sometimes his mind was wondering in all his duties and problems. I was really disappointed. And I wanted to have the whole JC for at least 6 hours of the 15 hrs I supposedly was going to have with him. I guess I had at most 3 hours of 100% JC and this freaked me out. JC noticed it and he even suggested not to go to the party his best friend was offering to celebrate September 15. We already have planed this, and I really wanted to go. I tried to explain him that it wasn't what I wanted. I don't know if he really understood me but we left the apartment in a rush. In the party, of course, I didn't knew ANY ONE. There was one or two people that I think I saw some other time before, but I couldn't remember. Must of there were MD. Wow, was really good, I chat with some of the guests. I thought that I was going to have a very bad time because I am not a very sociable person, but the fact is that I enjoy it. RO is a great guy. He is gay and he dressed himself as a woman. hahahaha was very funny. I talked with "Vero" she is a great person and I think I can make a friend out of her. I talk with some other doctors and was good. Again, my bear was kind of wired for me. Sometimes he was closed to me, sometimes he was hidden in the kitchen. One of his friends told me that he uses to do that in all the parties. I started to feel a bit better about it, but still. I am very uneasy with him. I don't want to loose him. And I know I have to control myself so I will not be needy person with him, but it is so hard. I don't care what hard it is I will do my best to give some air to my bear. I understand him, and I know he loves me back because HE HAS TOLD ME SO. I had had some experiences in which people force me to tell them so, but in this case I don't force him, I want it to be authentic. Guess what. He says it to me with out me having to ask him.
So I guess I am in the right track. I just have to give him some air and we are going to be good.

One of the themes we chat about when we were having breakfast is "five things I dislike about you". He had so much troubles to find the five and tell me them. When it was my turn, he refuses to hear them. He asked me not to tell him now, but later. I will wait, any way, he knows exactly what are them. And the good part is that he named the least things I was worried about he will be upset with me. All this means that we are in the right track.

Later on, I had to come back home. SD came to visit me. I was so happy to see him. Then, all my relatives arrived. It would be another boring "family" reunion if it weren't for SD and his sister. I really dislike some of my relatives, that is why I can't chat with them. We played "Settlers of Catan", an awesome game. We didn't finish. We started to eat dinner and SD, his sister and his sister's friend had to go. I was tired to, so I didn't wanted to join them in their quest to get drunk. SD nether, he wanted to go home to sleep too. hehehe My mood turn back up when JC call me to tell me he was going home and how much he loves me.

He has a trip today. Good luck in your trip Honey Bear!

NAKED, NOTHING BUT MYSELF.

I know I give you full access to all the sites, but tell me one thing....Why have you chosen to visit the most unpleasing, the most horrible parts of Pawl? You saw me for the first time as I really am. You saw me not as a good, not as smart guy, not as the artistic, but as a human been. You saw me naked. You undressed my mind and my soul with you naked eyes and your words. You see me there, powerless and guilty, but you kept watching at me with those eyes full of love and warm.

Why you did that? It was peaceful but at the same time uncomfortable. Now I feel like a small child that needs you to guard me. Please, never leave me.

LO MAS HERMOSO ES LO MAS HORRIBLE...

Lo más hermoso es lo más horrible, que a su vez es lo más hermoso. ¿Cómo diferenciar entre lo más horrible y lo más hermoso? Solo dime que "no me amas" pero dimelo de frente, mirandome a los ojos.

That's the way I feel right now. I love JC and I know he loves me, but for some circumstances that are out of me, I can't manage the time I would like to spend with him. I love him, and I can't do anything about it. I know that for the same circumstances he can not express the same thing about me. I would like to force it; I would like to give him the means to have full access to me, as I have full access to him. But once more, I don't want to force the situation. I have been there in which people I know want to force the situation with me. Once more, I haven't love them, and my bear loves me. Is it true? Does he love me?

I don't know. I like to picture me as a sport club in which people have different priority access. He is the only one that has priority level one. This means that he has full access to do whatever he wants to do. Unfortunately he uses it as if he had priority level4. I feel it as a waste. He and I can do so much more!

One day my Teddy, just don't give up on me. I will be there.

NO HEAD FOR A TITLE. LOL

What a horrible sensation is to have an abstinence syndrome. I have one. I do not use drugs, my only drug is PEA that my brain produces when I am with my sweet bear. Unfortunately I haven't seen him in several days and I am starting to miss him.

It might sound that is horrible to be in love, but it is. The only thing is that it is the most beautiful thing in the world as well. You can't take the paint with out the sweet. What I have to do is to try to learn how to live with the pain, so, when I get the sweet I enjoy it as much as I can.

My sweet heart loves me, and I am so happy and confident that our relationship is going to last, and is going to be awesome!

JC, I really love you!!!!

THE PERFECT TIME

It wasn't close to the perfect time, but I liked it as much as it were. I was last night with my bear and we had an excellent evening. I just forgot about time. It was too late to go back home, so I staid with him. We talk about so many things. I put some of his words in my coffer or wonders. He brings me to much life!!!
I went this morning to the hospital, where he works. I introduce him to SD. He liked him. I didn't want to come back, but I had. Mom is not doing so well. She woke up with a pain in her tommy. I don't know what is going to happen. JC told me about a dream he had that scares me. I just pray to God for the good.
He called me a few minutes ago. I thought he forgot to tell me something, but the true is that he just call me because he misses me and wants to be with me. I love him so much! and I now know he loves me back the same way.
Well...now is time to go to work ( in Sunday). :S
I know is just a temporary thing this job. About my bear, I have a feeling it is going to be for the rest of my life.

C.R.A.

CRA stands for clinical research associate. This is what I would like to do . I love research and I love science and technology, and mostly focused on the health area. I went today for an interview in a company that does CRA. I hope I 'll be accepted. I am very confident on that.

But what I really want to talk about tonight is how much I love JC, and that JT has been putting bad ideas in my mind. Probably he does this not knowing that he is hurting me. That is why I will not going to talk with him about JC anymore. Yesterday I went with JC to the University to ask for a CRA course. I had breakfast with him and was the most perfect morning for me. I love him and he loves me back. I don't need to be worry about what JT tells me. I know JC is Mr. Right.

NONSENSE COMPASS

Where my heart should look at? I don't know. If someone know the answer, please tell me, because this hurts!
Yes, I know, it sounds like poetry of some sort, but it is matter of the heart. I already tried science. I tried to explain that "love" is not more than just phenyletylamine that is released in the brain. I even had a cure! When I had the abstinence syndrome I just need to take some exogenous PEA. It worked, but I just realized that the PEA is easily discomposed by the MAO. It was more a placebo than anything else. But it worked!

Today I am facing a question of uncertainty. I have this new job, which is not so easy to do but I will be fine, that has a lot of benefits in my growth as a professional. Unfortunately it doesn't allow me to see JC as much as I would like to. In part, this is good because in that way it will make dependence in us. We will miss each other. In the other hand, makes me so sad. The other day I received a phone call from a person that would like to give me an interview for a job I really would like to do. Well, the thing is that I am not sure if I will have to be relocated. I hope not, but I really would like to do this. What can I do if I don't want to leave JC behind?

The story doesn't end there. JC has many doubts. I know he has left a relationship, that he told me was destructive, just a month ago. He said that he would like to have a relationship with me. Something real, something that will last. I don't know what to think, because that's exactly what I want, but he wants to go slow, but he is going very slow. He even can't mention we are couple. He just says we are dating. That's it! Are we just dating with so much love?

I don't want to scare him away, so I am doing a big effort not to look obsessive with him. I just send him a "good morning" message in the morning and a "good night call" at night. I don't think thats much. Actually, if it were for me and my hormones, I will call him every single time, and would like to be pasted at him like a leach. But I love him and don't want to do those things.

If I am in need, I call JT so I will not bother JC. But JT has given me to many advise and has said to many things that I really didn't wanted to hear. He has polluted my mind. He has been right in some points, and I agree with him. The problem is that each time I talk with him, I feel more and more that I am loosing my JC. I don't want to lost him. But JT has put to many doubts in my mind. Is JC really love me? does he really want a LTR with me? Should I stay with him and don't take this big opportunity to do what I want to do (professionally) in case they asked me to relocate? I am not sure about anything. I can't plan or fix other peoples life. Even if I love them, and even more if they love me back. But I am very uneasy with this things.

I really love him. Please Teddy Bear, respond to me!! I am not sure why you arrive this days. I was kind of Ok with out thinking or trying to find someone to love. I was Ok single. But now that you are in my life, I really, REALLY, DO NOT want you away. Wish you could understand me, and forget your fears and tried to just life your feelings. Express them! be free with them. And tried to run by my side!

FLASHES OF ANGUISHABLE HAPPINESS

I am starting to feel pain. But not the kind of pain that comes with something bad. Is the kind of pain that comes from something really good. Like when one eats a very sweet dessert and in stead of saying yummy, one says ahhuugg. Well, that is the kind of happiness I am having right now. Well....the alternative is to stop eating the sweet and starve. What do I want? mmmm.
Well, putting in order my ideas I will say:
1.- I want to keep the relationship with my bear running. He really makes me feel good. He is my everyday happiness maker.
2.- I want a job that feeds me and helps me feed my family. But not only that. I want something that makes me grow professionally and, why not, brings me a lot of happiness in different ways.
The uhgg sweet comes because of the second thing. It looks like everything is going perfect, and suddenly a better alternative pops up. I am afraid that if I took all this goodies I will end with nothing, and even worst, but a very bad taste.
I don't know what I am doing, but I am thinking to solve any doubts about my professional life in a way I will not damage my relationship with my bear. I really don't think he will do the same for me. At least not now. But I really love him and I pray to God he to be the one that will walk the rest of my life by my side.
Let's see where it all ends. I love you my sweetie bear!